First published July 16, 2003, in the Chicago Free
Press.
It is time to begin thinking about what state recognition of gay
(civil) marriage means for us, how it will affect our lives and
self-concepts, our relationships and our relation to the larger
society. The changes will be numerous and profound. Some
possibilities:
I suspect that only a few couples will marry right away - mostly
older, established couples who will see this as something they have
long deserved. More lesbians will probably seize the early
opportunity since young women are still socialized to regard
marriage as an achievement and the best way to have a
relationship.
Most of us will probably hang back a while to watch what happens
with the people who do marry. Does it go well for them? Does
marriage enhance their lives? Is it confining or liberating in
unexpected ways? After a year, are they happy they married or was
it a mistake? What sort of unexpected problems do they
encounter?
Couples who marry will likely feel more closely bonded together
than they did. Even those who thought they didn't need "the piece
of paper" will be surprised by how much more real their
relationship feels and how much more seriously they are regarded by
other people, gays and heterosexuals both.
Married couples may be surprised at how much more comfortable
they feel kissing, hugging, and holding hands in public. "We're
married" is a pretty good justification in the world's eyes, and
that is shorthand for "We are just as married as you are."
Couples who marry will find themselves making extra effort to
preserve their marriages through times of adversity and crisis.
Divorce can have complications, pains and costs. And what will the
people who attended the ceremony and heard those commitment vows
say? That the couple gave up too easily? That they weren't fully
committed? That they were a failure somehow?
The fact of gay marriage will not much reduce urban gay male
promiscuity - at least not right away and not by younger single
men. Those men will still trick, have regular play-buddies and
anonymous sex; after all, single urban heterosexual men try to
pursue active sex lives too.
But I suspect that many young gay men (and a few old roués) will
feel threatened, fearing that somehow the basis of their active sex
life is in jeopardy: That the pool of available tricks will
diminish or that every trick or date is now has the unwelcome
potential to develop into something that from the outside looks
confining.
Like the process theologian's god, by its sheer existence
marriage lures, it beckons, it calls, it invites, it attracts, it
welcomes. Marriage adds a final stage, a "telos," a kind of
completion to a relationship that has heretofore not been available
for gay relationships.
Parents, relatives, and heterosexual friends will add their
voices too. They will begin taking a greater interest in our
romantic relationships, as they now do those of heterosexuals.
Unmarried gays and lesbians will more often be asked, "Are you
seeing anyone?" "Is it serious?" "Have you set a date?" Or more
insistently, "If you really loved each other you'd get married, you
know."
Those pressures will be mild and easily resistible, but coupled
gays who have no plans to marry will need to develop - or borrow
from similarly situated heterosexuals - pleasant, non-defensive
ways of fending off such questions and advice: "We are happy with
the way we are, thank you." "If we make a change, we'll be sure to
let you know." "Our lives seem to work best this way."
No doubt, in part, heterosexuals simply want to have their own
choices validated by seeing others make the same choices. But for
most heterosexuals a good marriage still represents a desirable
goal and source of happiness that they hope their gay children and
friends will find as well. Try not to resent their new
intrusiveness; try to see it as a sign of inclusion and
acceptance.
But a cautionary note (and this is Uncle Paul speaking now):
Some young gays may hasten into marriage before they are ready,
partly because it is there and partly because it looks like a
refuge from the unstructured flux and rootlessness of the urban gay
social world.
Young gay men seem to combine cynicism and romanticism in an
unhealthy mix: too cynical about the world around them, but too
romantic about themselves and the man of the moment. They need to
acquire a good deal of relationship experience before they are able
distinguish infatuation from love or even think about marriage.
Young lesbians may be especially tempted into premature
marriages. The psychological need for pair bonding seems to be
strong in most women - they are the ones who typically press
boyfriends for marriage - and the combined bonding desires of two
women may overwhelm them long before they can know they are suited
to each other. The old joke about the moving van rolling up right
after the first date has some psychological truth to it.
"Marry in haste," goes the old adage, "repent at leisure."