I HAVE SPENT my last five columns - and a good deal of my career
- defending homosexuality against various moral attacks. Yet
sometimes I spend so much time explaining why homosexuality is "not
bad" that I neglect to consider why it's positively good. Can I
offer any reasons for thinking of homosexuality as, not merely
tolerable, but morally beneficial?
Off the top of my head, here are five:
First, homosexuality can be a source of pleasure, and pleasure
is a good thing. Too often we act as if pleasure needs to be
"justified" by some extrinsic reason, and we feel guilty when we
pursue it for its own sake. (How often has someone told you that he
or she had a massage, only to add quickly, "I have a bad back"?)
This is not to say that pleasure is the only, or most important,
human good. Nor is it to deny that long-term pleasure sometimes
requires short-term sacrifice. But any moral system that doesn't
value pleasure is defective for that reason.
Second, homosexuality can be an avenue of interpersonal
communication, and this too is good. Few would deny the moral value
of human interaction, including sexual interaction. Yet many of our
opponents argue that we ought to forsake sexual intimacy in favor
of celibacy. Forced celibacy robs people of an important form of
human connection.
Third, homosexuality can be a source of emotional growth.
Romantic and sexual relationships force us to "get outside of
ourselves" in a powerful way. They foster sensitivity, patience,
humility, generosity - a whole host of moral virtues. When Jack
Nicholson tells Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets "You make
me want to be a better man," the line is moving because it strikes
a deep and familiar chord. This is as true for homosexual people as
it is for heterosexual people.
Fourth, and related, homosexual relationships promote personal
and social stability. This is why people in relationships
frequently live longer, report greater personal satisfaction, and
are physically and psychologically healthier than their single
counterparts. This is not to say that coupling is right for
everyone: some people are happier alone, and we do them no service
by pressuring them to pair off. But most people at some point want
to find "a special someone." Doing so is good for them, and what's
good for them is good for the community, which benefits from the
presence of happy, stable, satisfied individuals. This is a worthy
moral goal if anything is.
Some might object that I'm equivocating on the term
"relationships" here. For our critics do not object to our offering
each other emotional support, or setting up house together, or
having deep conversations, or shopping at IKEA. What they object to
is homosexual sex. These other activities might be morally
unobjectionable, the critics concede, but they are entirely
separable from the relationship's sexual aspect.
Nonsense. There is no reason to assume - and there are good
reasons to doubt - that one can remove the sexual aspect of
relationships and have all others remain the same. Sex is a
powerful way of building, celebrating, and replenishing intimacy in
a relationship. To assume that one can subtract sex without
affecting the rest of the equation is to take the kind of
reductionistic view of sex that critics often falsely attribute to
us.
All of the reasons I've mentioned thus far apply equally well to
homosexuality and heterosexuality. (The fourth applies mainly to
relationships, whereas the others could apply even to "casual
sex".) But someone might wonder whether there are any benefits
unique to homosexuality (apart from doubling one's wardrobe).
And so, let me suggest a fifth reason: insofar as homosexuality
challenges deep-seated and irrational prejudices, embracing your
homosexuality can be a powerful act of moral courage. It forces you
to think for yourself, rather than simply parrot what others have
claimed. Moreover, it invites you to transcend rigid gender
expectations.
When I came out to my grandmother, one of her first responses
was, "But who's going to cook and clean for you?" Her marriage was
premised on such strict gender roles it was difficult for her to
conceive of alternatives.
It was then that I realized that the gay community has a great
gift to give the straight community: a lesson about egalitarian
relationships, where tasks are divided according to ability and
interest rather than gender. Insofar as being gay within a
heterosexist culture sharpens our focus on such inequalities and
pressures us to confront them, it is not merely a challenge but a
blessing.