Thirteen years ago as the gays in the military fiasco that led
to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was roiling the country then-President
Bill Clinton urged gays and lesbians to "Tell your stories" in an
effort to sway popular sentiment in their direction.
The advice came far too late to be of any practical use on the
military issue, but it was important advice for the long term and
we fail to act on it at our peril.
Each year as the Gay Pride parade comes around, gays take to the
streets in our big cities carrying signs and chanting slogans about
"Gay Pride," "Gay and Proud," etc. I suppose those are good
polemical slogans to direct to closeted gays and lesbians to let
them know that it is possible to be a proud, self-confident gay
person. There are still a lot of gays in the closet.
But I suspect the notion of "gay and proud" has about zero
effect on most heterosexuals, a substantial portion of whom are
either reflexively antagonistic to gays or undecided about them.
There is no logical connection between the fact that a person is
proud and the idea that he or she deserves respect or equal
freedom. No husband surfing TV channels and happening upon a film
clip of a Gay Pride parade is going to turn to his wife and say,
"Oh look, Martha, gays are proud now. We should let them have equal
rights."
"National Coming Out Day" represented a different approach: A
specific occasion on which gays might come out to friends,
relatives, whoever. No doubt that is useful. It lets people know
that they know gay people and opinion surveys do shows that knowing
two or more gay people does correlate with a more positive attitude
toward gays.
But I suspect this is true primarily if the respondent already
knows, likes and respects the person coming out. If the person
coming out is unlikeable or viewed with distaste, coming out might
have little impact. It might even increase anti-gay feelings. We
have all run into gays and lesbians we want nothing to do with and
hope they have the decency to stay in the closet.
Then too, it is not actually clear that coming out changes other
people's attitudes about gays. The surveys show a correlation, not
causality. It seems equally possible, and perhaps more likely, that
gays choose to come out to people whom they think will be
receptive--who have already indicated in some way that they are
generally open and tolerant.
So we are left with telling our stories. By "tell your stories,"
Clinton no doubt meant--and it is not his advice alone--explain to
people how we gradually realized our homosexuality, the discomforts
and hesitations we felt, the pain we felt from people's antagonism,
our struggles for self-acceptance, how we conduct our lives now,
and so forth.
The point of telling our stories is that it is the most
effective possible counter to the idea--and it is not found solely
on the religious right--that being gay is some sort of choice or
willful indulgence. Logically it makes no sense to say that anyone
chooses his sexual and emotional feelings; rather he discovers
them, sometimes he is gripped by them, often to his own surprise.
But if people thought logically about homosexuality, gays would
have achieved equality long ago.
By telling our stories we can help people develop the kind of
emotional connection that can lead to a degree of understanding
about what we experienced. And by showing the fundamental humanness
of our experience, we can reduce some of the mysterious otherness
of homosexuality.
But it is not easy for most of us who have been out of the
closet for a while to think back to an earlier period when we may
have felt uncomfortable about ourselves, tried to suppress our
feelings, worried about their implications for our future, and lied
to others about our desires. It is often a painful period most of
us would rather not recall. It is more comfortable to wear a button
that says "Gay and Proud"--as if it were just that easy.
I suspect that recounting that period is particularly difficult
for men. In our culture women are permitted, even encouraged, to
talk about their feelings and emotions. Men are not. For men, to
recount unhappiness, uncertainty and anxiety suggests weakness--a
lack of self-confidence and self-control, in short a failure of
male competence.
But it is a task that needs to be undertaken nonetheless,
selectively, at the right time and under the right conditions.
Fortunately, most people are happy to hear a salvation story, a
triumph over adversity, a victory for integrity and a happy
outcome. Told in that way, our stories can reflect well on us and
help others relate to our struggles at the same time.