Nearly three decades after Anita Bryant's notorious "Save the
Children" campaign, increasing numbers of gay people are doing just
that - giving loving homes to children that straight people have
thrown away or have had taken from them due to neglect or abuse. No
good deed goes unpunished, of course. Anita's heirs don't want us
saving children. What is surprising is that efforts to make "gay
adoption" a red meat issue in this year's election have mostly
fizzled.
It is seven years since I sat in the visitor's gallery of the
U.S. House of Representatives and watched as an amendment that
would have banned adoptions by unmarried couples in the District of
Columbia was narrowly defeated. The reference to unmarried couples
thinly veiled the measure's anti-gay purpose, and its defeat was a
big victory for the Human Rights Campaign. Since then, the issue
has not been used again by Congress to attack gay Washingtonians at
the expense of orphaned children.
This year there have been encouraging developments in many
states. Anti-gay adoption bills in Arizona and Ohio stalled in
their respective statehouses. A Virginia bill to prohibit doctors
and other health professionals from helping unmarried women become
pregnant failed to win support. In Utah, the governor vetoed an
anti-gay parenting bill. The Indiana Supreme Court let stand a
ruling allowing adoptions by unmarried couples. A federal judge
struck down an Oklahoma law barring recognition of adoptions by
same-sex couples from other jurisdictions.
It is hard to see what threat is posed by gay parents when so
many children of heterosexual households go home each day to
single, divorced or absent parents. Voters seem to understand this,
since the issue has not caught fire as some had hoped. With many
thousands of children in need of homes, the question is not whether
a given child will have an idealized set of parents. "The
question," as Congressman Barney Frank says, "is whether the child
will be adopted at all."
Gay parents are quietly changing the social landscape simply by
being a part of it. The right wing showed its awareness of this in
early 2005, when PBS pulled the "Sugartime!" segment of
Postcards from Buster off the air after U.S. Secretary of
Education Margaret Spellings condemned it for showing the lesbian
parents of the children Buster was visiting at a Vermont farm.
WGBH, which produces the program, still made the segment available
to PBS affiliates. When WETA in D.C. refused to run it, some
colleagues and I wrote to the station's management protesting their
caving in to the radical right's insistence that gay parents should
be invisible.
WETA's polite but evasive reply included, "I hope you will
continue to enjoy the many fine programs that we bring to the
community and that you will not allow one decision to color your
entire opinion of WETA." This implied that we were the ones being
unfair, despite the fact that WETA happily took gay viewers' money
while acquiescing in an anti-gay slander. But Buster and his
friends had the last laugh. Not only did at least 45 PBS stations
run the "Sugartime!" segment, the Family Pride Coalition and
Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere have used it as an
educational tool.
With the boom in gay parenting, my Dupont Circle neighborhood is
awash in baby carriers and strollers. Children bring the world
alive in new ways, and they can teach us a lot. For example, babies
are not blank slates. This dawned on me 25 years ago when I sensed
my newborn niece Jennifer's personality as we looked at each other
through the glass of the hospital nursery. I generally thought of
infants as noise and poop generators, and wasn't expecting anything
more than a vague smile probably caused by gas. Yet there Jenny
was, not a generic Muppet baby at all but a particular person
already striking up a friendship. As with many of life's mysteries,
I cannot explain it, I can only attest to it.
My friend Robert's great-nephew Joshua used to follow him
everywhere, and wanted to be just like him. When Robert hosted a
holiday party at his home for his office staff, Joshua greeted each
guest just as he had watched his uncle do. Once, as Joshua played
beside Robert with his Spiderman action figure, he started crying
because Spiderman had "died" - meaning the doll wouldn't stand up.
Robert saved the day by fixing Spidey good as new, and Joshua was
overjoyed. When I think of all the children who have no Uncle
Robert in their lives, I don't know whether to be angry or sad that
some people are more eager to use them as props for telling cruel
lies than to give them the nurturing they need.
In the early 1990s, a song by Fred Small called "Everything
Possible" was popularized by the gay vocal quintet The Flirtations,
and was subsequently sung by many gay choruses. It includes the
line, "You can be anybody that you want to be." I appreciate its
message of unconditional love and acceptance, but I think it goes a
bit squishy. Children can be sturdy creatures if we give them some
guidance and support. Better to tell them this: The only person you
can ever be is yourself, but you are the one who gets to decide who
that is. And I will always be here to help you become the best
possible you.