When I was a high school sophomore, one of my classmates had the
misfortune of popping an erection in the communal shower after gym
class. I doubt "Paul" was gay. Most likely, it was a typical
teenage case of Mr. Happy having a mind of its own. But fellow
students at our all-boys Catholic school teased him mercilessly,
calling him a fag, and I joined in.
That's right: I joined in.
Please understand: at the time I was NOT GAY. Sure, I had "gay
feelings," which I kept mostly to myself. I also lacked any
straight feelings, and I had a decent enough grasp of logic to know
that people with "gay feelings" but no "straight feelings" are gay.
It was denial, pure and simple, and my teasing Paul was a way to
deflect attention away from myself.
When people ask me how I can even for a split second feel
sadness for hypocrites like Reverend George "I hired him to carry
my luggage" Rekers, the anti-gay crusader who was recently caught
hiring an escort from rentboy.com for a European vacation, I
answer: Because I know what denial feels like.
True, I came clean about my sexuality at 19, whereas Rekers is
still dissembling at 61. True, I participated in some schoolboy
teasing-the potential damage of which ought not to be
underestimated-whereas Rekers has made a career out of spreading
lies about gays, writing books with titles like Growing Up
Straight: What Families Should Know About Homosexuality, and
offering highly paid testimony in Florida and Arkansas against gay
adoption. There's a huge difference.
But part of preventing future cases like these is first to
understand them, and I can understand them best by drawing on my
own experience. The human capacity for keeping separate sets of
"mental books" is as familiar as it is remarkable.
Why is Rekers' case important? Because it provides yet another
stunning example of what it looks like when someone tries to fight
his internal demons by scapegoating openly gay and lesbian people.
Rekers has spent his life attacking in others what he can't control
in himself, harming countless LGBT innocents in the process. This
is the danger of the closet.
Rekers insists that he is not gay, and at one level, he's right.
The term "gay" often refers to a mode of self-understanding and
public identity, and Rekers just isn't there. On this reading,
anyone can be a homosexual, but it takes courage to be gay. Sadly,
like the Reverend Ted "I'm heterosexual with issues" Haggard before
him, Reverend Rekers may never get there.
So let Rekers have his "I'm not gay but my rentboy is" t-shirt.
I'll even believe him when he says that there was no sex, strictly
speaking. According to the rentboy, "Lucien" (aka Geo, aka
Jo-Vanni), in interviews with the Miami New Times and blogger
Joe.My.God, their sessions consisted of daily nude massages where
Lucien stroked Rekers "across his penis, thigh... and his anus over
the butt cheeks," causing Rekers to become "rock hard." (At 61,
Rekers doesn't have the same excuse for erections as my high school
classmate.)
This is precisely what one would expect from a "Not Gay" deeply
closeted homosexual who has spent his career denouncing the
"unacceptable health risks of [homosexual] behavior." Rekers can
maintain this charade only by drawing the boundaries of "homosexual
behavior" about as narrowly as Bill Clinton drew those of "sexual
relations"-which, as you'll recall, the president did not have with
that woman, Miss Lewinsky. The claims are true on one level-the
strained, self-serving, and possibly delusional one.
It's when I imagine these mental contortions that I feel the
split second of sympathy for Rekers. As David Link writes at the
Independent Gay Forum, "If the glaringly obvious conclusion is
true-that Rekers is, in fact, a frustrated homosexual who won't
allow himself to actually have sex with another man-then he has
created for himself exactly the hell he and his colleagues believe
homosexuals are headed for or deserve."
However, it's one thing to create demons for yourself, and quite
another to project them onto innocent bystanders whom you then
attack as "deviant" in books, articles, and courtroom testimony.
Frankly, there aren't enough rentboys in Miami to carry that kind
of karmic baggage.
Rekers still insists that he sought out the young man because he
wanted to share the Gospel. I recommend starting with the "Truth
shall set you free" part, followed by some lessons on penance.