It's November, which means bookstores have next year's calendars on display.
When I was a teenager, this annual occurrence unnerved me. The "male interest" calendars"-think "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model of the Month"-held no appeal for me. Instead, I would nervously reach for a Chippendales calendar, hiding it behind something innocuously themed (race cars, puppies, whatever) so that I could stare admiringly at half-naked men. As soon as I noticed anyone approaching, I would throw both calendars back on the shelf and dart out of the store.
I laugh now at the thought that I could ever find the overly pumped and coiffed 1980's Chippendales dancers appealing. But when I see these calendars on the shelves today, I still feel a residual emotional tug. Like the underwear models in the J.C. Penney catalog (and so many other ordinary features of American life), the calendars were a painful signal: you are not like other boys.
I noticed a calendar display in a bookstore the other day just shortly after receiving an e-mail from a reader complaining that I waste too much time trying to win over straight society's approval. "When are you going to stop seeking other people's acceptance?" he asks.
My answer? I'll stop seeking it once we get it.
The calendars reminded me of why. It's not because I'm still scared that other people will know my "secret." Today, I can walk into a bookstore and look at whatever I want. Indeed, I sometimes make a point of picking up the "female interest" calendars just to remind myself-and anyone else watching-that I can. It's my way of saying: No, I am not like (most) other boys, and I'm okay with that. Honestly, I really don't give a flying fig whether you give me a dirty look when I do it.
But there are plenty of boys and girls growing up who are not there yet. They still get unnerved when they see the calendars, or the catalogs, or countless other possible triggers. They still feel that nauseous shame and isolation. They have yet to learn that the feelings they dread can eventually be a source of great joy, and beauty, and comfort.
Social approval can make a huge difference in the lives of these kids, not to mention those who come after them.
This is one significant way in which LGBT people differ from most other minority groups. Whereas black children generally have black parents, Jewish children generally have Jewish parents, and so on, LGBT people can have any sort of parents-and most often have straight ones. Far from being able to take for granted our parents' understanding of the discrimination we face, we often have to struggle for their acceptance, too.
So while their parents' opinion on homosexuality may not directly matter to me, you can be damn sure it matters to them.
I don't mean that they can't go on to have happy, fulfilling, successful lives even if their parents ultimately reject them. I just mean that doing so will be harder-needlessly, sometimes tragically so.
Moreover, it's not as if I have no stake at all in their parents' opinion. As we've seen over and over, their opinion affects how they vote. And their votes make a difference to our legal rights, whether we like it or not.
Of course it isn't fair. But that doesn't mean it isn't true.
So I'll stop seeking their approval when we get it, and not a moment sooner. Because their approval helps make our political struggle easier. Because it's crucial to the lives of their kids, some of whom are LGBT. And because it's the right thing.
One Comment for “Why Approval Matters”
posted by Regan DuCasse on
This is why the work of PFLAG and GLSEN have been so vital.
Parents who are educated, prepared and understood, are exactly the kinds of parents John speaks of.
I LOVE PFLAG parents. They are support for parents led into unnecessary conflict with their gay children by their mostly faith communities.
These are parents who went through their own emotional turmoils, had to spend a lot of time processing what their gay children told them, or what they found out.
The point is, the parents of gay children are FAR from alone, although, they will think that way.
“Prayers For Bobby” by Mary Griffith is an example of tragedy that can befall a family that is told one thing by their church, but the reality of their child’s life is contrary to how to respond.
GLSEN is an example of bringing support and comprehensive information to the educational system. This was implemented in direct response to the tragedies of school bullying.
Most importantly, to encourage alliances between gay kids and their peers and educators.
None of which the opposition can say has direct negative affect or results, but we can point to responding in the traditional way having the opposite results.
John is right, as long as parents and family of a gay person are on board to defend their human, civil and equal rights, then that creates a majority of support, regardless of political outcomes.
In those families where say, a white couple adopted a black child, or a family with no disabilities, had a child that did.
Or a family of the tone deaf, had a child of musical exception, wouldn’t respond by being cruel or abandon that child.
They would respond by surrounding themselves with support, a means to empathize with that child, and working to enhance that child’s adjustment to a world irrationally hostile and dangerous to them.
Which is also a fairly close analogy to how a straight parent could respond to their gay child, and that it’s sad that they will do just the opposite of that too.
So, we are right to encourage acceptance by the parents.
But I think, as when I used to hear parents rejecting their children marrying out of their social norms say “what about the children?”
What that is really saying is that they don’t think they have the courage, or ability to defend and support their own.
But if you’re not prepared to be that way or do that for your child, you shouldn’t have had them.
But once you’re a parent, and your child is a good, child that has made you happy and proud, up to the point of coming out or being outed, then it IS just another level of parenthood, to be there and find the means you would for everything else to help yourself and your child continue to have the relationship you want and deserve together.