My girlfriend Jenny and I were standing on a subway platform in Harlem. She had flown in from Chicago and had just gotten off a bus from LaGuardia - I was coming home from work in Times Square.
We waited for the train, facing each other, holding hands, talking, kissing occasionally.
A police officer approached us.
I felt a flash of anxiety. Was she going to tell us that we were disturbing other commuters? Was she going to say something that knifed our tender reunion?
"Ladies," she said. "You better invite me to the wedding." She pointed to her badge. "Dawn Matthews," she said. "21st precinct." She grinned.
This is what it's like to be in love in 2009, in the year of Gay Marriage.
It's very different from being in love in 1992, when - if I held the hand of my first girlfriend - it was a good bet that someone would shout "dykes" or worse as they passed us in the street.
Or in 2003, when my girlfriend and I were sometimes given dirty looks, and were once called "faggots" as we wandered the (very lesbian-friendly) streets of Andersonville in Chicago.
Then, all people could see was that we were two women and our love was wrong.
Now, people seem to only notice that we are in love, and it is right.
And we ARE in love - we are wildly, crazily, insanely in love, though it's been more than nine months since we started dating.
Jenny and I move in together this week. We had thought that I might move to Chicago for a few months earlier in the spring, but those plans fell through. So we kept up our relationship through video chat and email and long talks on the phone at midnight and monthly visits.
And whenever we've visited each other, someone has publicly applauded us for being in love.
There was that police officer. There was the chic African-American woman on a train who, once we had gotten up to leave, shouted out after us, "You go, girls! You're beautiful!" There were the gay men who applauded us when we walked into a Chicago bar because they had seen us kissing outside.
And there was the elderly white man at a Broadway theater who sat behind us with his wife and tapped me on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," he said. "I don't mean to disturb you. But I just wanted to say that you both have excellent taste in women."
This week, Jenny and I are driving her things to New York, so that she can live with me and my dog. We hope to get married once New York gets its act together and makes it legal. But in the meantime, we joke, we're going to lie on a blanket in Central Park and be in love.
And in 2009, that's OK. No, gays and lesbians don't have our full civil rights. No, we don't have marriage recognition in most states, or our relationships recognized by the federal government. No, we can still be fired in some states for being gay. No, we are not safe from gay bashing, or bullying, or Department of Justice briefs that compare our marriages to incest.
But America is becoming an ever more welcoming place to be gay, in small towns and big cities. People are focusing less on our gender and more on the strength of our relationships; they are seeing us less as stereotypes and more as human beings.
And that's good news for a lesbian couple who can't hide that we're in love.
15 Comments for “The Freedom to Love”
posted by Craig Wiegert on
What a sweet article! Jennifer, I don’t know if you remember, but my partner and I were upstairs neighbors of yours in Chicago back in 1994, in the UofC apartment bldg on E. Hyde Park Blvd. I’ve been following your writing off and on ever since!
posted by Jenni on
My best girl friend sent me this article. My best friend whom I deeply care about, but can not date due to home issues and the lack of understanding from others. I just wanted to say that I thought these words are very touching, and I have also had a couple experiences like it.
I agree with all you have said. With the birth of a new generation comes the birth of new views. How people look at homosexual relationships has been dynamic for decades, and oh, how it has improved.
Props to you.
posted by s on
beautiful. i’m sending this article to my girlfriend, I know she’ll appreciate it as much as I do. It took some time for me to be comfortable showing affection to her in public, but the more I fall in love with her, the more I can’t keep myself from holding her hand, or staring into her eyes in a way that probably makes it fairly obvious that I adore her. We’ve had a few disapproving glares, but for the most part, reactions have been much more positive than I expected, and I’m truly grateful that the world is finally beginning to change it’s outlook on those of us who are in love with someone of the same gender.
posted by Regan DuCasse on
More than a few times recently, I’ve witnessed two men strolling together, holding hands. This is on a busy street in Burbank. Only a little unexpected, but I thought to myself, glad they have each other.
Glad they could show it.
And glad I could witness it.
This is a world fraught with all kinds of things to make us insecure about ourselves, our ability to pay bills, take care of aging parents, or children.
Gay or not.
The ONLY thing we have that makes it easier and gives us courage to get through a day, a casual stroll on the street, is who is beside us and we know loves us enough to take our hand and show it.
Indeed, I can’t imagine NOT wanting to see more of that in the world. That there are people among us who have someone, and even if we don’t as individuals, hope, even a little, brightens a corner of each day.
I am so very happy for you Jennifer. It’s a sweet story. You were spreading joy, just by being joyful yourself.
posted by Chris on
What a lovely story. A complete joy to read and very moving. Hopefully, in another 15 years acceptance will have moved to the point where no one even needs to comment on your relationship at all. While I’m sure you will miss these heartfelt public acceptances, there could be no greater gift.
So, let’s celebrate what you have today and wish for an even better future when it’s completely boring to everyone (except you and Jenny).
posted by Kelli on
This reminded me something I saw at the mall a few weeks ago.
Two young girls…I’d peg them at about 15-16…were strolling through Macy’s holding hands. The one leaned over and gave her gf the sweetest kiss on the lips…very quick. They smiled at each other and continued on their merry way.
Love…young love, gay love, old love, LOVE makes me happy.
I’m glad people are finally realizing that love is a good thing.
This was a lovely blog.
posted by Britt on
Thank you so much for this article. You captured the sentiment I feel with my girlfriend, the love of my life – in private and in public. We also live in New York and have experienced the gamut of disgust and acceptance. It’s so good to see someone else experiencing the acceptance.
posted by Greg on
Very nice article. You just got linked by Andrew Sullivan, so expect more traffic!
posted by PaineintheThomas on
As a hopelessly romantic 40 yr. old guy who is still desperately in love with his wife, I gotta’ admit, this article made me teary eyed. I hope you 2 wind up as happy as my wife and I are.
posted by BW on
My wife and I (23 years and hopelessly in love) are both from rural Midwestern families. Hers is far more conservative than mine.
This summer her niece was married and her nephew and his boyfriend of seven years were in the wedding party. They have been out with us from the beginning, stayed with us and we provided a bit of a family sanctuary beyond his immediate family. For years he has agonized over how and when to come out.
At the reception they did it by simply dancing together, hugging and kissing like the rest of the couples in the wedding party. And no one said anything at the time and barely anything the next day. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law, who just a few years ago made the occasional homophobic remark were positive about it when they brought it up the next day and their two teenage daughters talked about their schoolmates who have been out since jr. high. Times they are a changin.
posted by Dan on
I grew up in a small rural town with a bunch of sports-oriented, hetrosexual and homophobic guys. Now, some of us are still rural and uneducated, all are still sports-oriented hetros, but not one could ever be called a homophobe. I now live in the middle of a large Gaybourhood and my friends love coming to visit me. If they can come around, anyone can.
posted by Leyla on
What a great article. I too found folks to be much more accepting than the policy makers.
A couple of years ago I wanted to make a friend’s birthday special. She loves sunsets so I made a picnic dinner. I packed a folding bistro table and chairs, china, candles, a vase with roses. We drove to a local beach and enjoyed our picnic, complete with wine and chocolate dipped strawberries as the sun painted the sky with impressionist hues. There was an older couple in a pick up truck also enjoying the sunset. The man leaned out his window and asked if we “girls were celebrating an anniversary”. I replied that we were just friends celebrating a birthday and offered them some strawberries. As we were packing up a young lady who was enjoying a “fast food” picnic with her beau on the beach stopped by to tell us that her boyfriend was so angry that we had upstaged him! I offered to give him some lessons on romancing a woman!
We live in a very conservative part of Michigan known for strong Christian Reform “values.” I’m always pleasantly surprised when my assumptions about the region are proven untrue.
posted by Dan on
I just don’t care, and, to be honest, I don’t understand why anybody else does either.
If you two want to get married, good for you. Why should I care who you marry? None of my business, and none of anybody else’s either.
posted by Tinga on
Yay! Wonderful article, Jennifer, I am so glad you are having these experiences. It’s bittersweet, considering the friends who are no longer with us and fought the good fight. Love, health and happiness to you both!
posted by Dawn P. on
My girlfriend just dropped me off at work and i leaned over and gave her a hug. The next thing i knew i had an older man yelling across his yard at me the “roll that window up, i got kids out here”. it hurt. This is my first relationship with another woman. It just sucks because we are so in love and just to see people who may just be jealous of what we have… they just dont understand