"So ... How come you're not married?" a heterosexual friend asked me some time back. Since he knows I am gay, obviously "married" meant something like "in a partnered relationship."
And, of course, now that two states, including the most populous U.S. state, formally permit gay marriage, not just civil unions or domestic partnerships, and a few other states such as New York recognize out-of-state gay marriages, the question can have some additional significance.
I've heard the question before from others, phrased in different ways, but they all come down to putting the burden of explanation on the unpartnered guy. "Why is a nice guy like you still single?" or even "Don't you want to get married?"
And sometimes I hear a little more bite in the question, as if the questioner is expressing something like moral disapproval that I am still single-and at my age, too. Or they are actually wondering, "What's wrong with you that you don't have a partner?"
I don't suppose I have a really satisfactory answer to any of these questions-satisfactory on their terms, anyway. You ask married couples-straight or gay-why they got married and they say something like, "Well, we fell in love and wanted to spend our lives together." In fact many gay couples getting married have already been together for years and are just formalizing the relationship. So I suppose the parallel response from me would have to be, "I didn't fall in love with anyone I wanted to spend my life with."
Married or partnered couples see marriage as the most natural thing in the world. I just never did and so never particularly sought it. But that seems a feeble answer, so I've tried to come up with some snappier ones.
"No one ever proposed." "I'm still waiting for Mr. Right to come along but he hasn't yet." "Maybe I'm just not good-looking (or interesting, or charming) enough to attract someone." "I guess I'm too individualistic; I like living alone-my life is my own." "Maybe I don't send out the right erotic signals, whatever they are, to attract someone." But all these amount to the same general response: "I assumed it might happen at some point, but it didn't." Nor have I ever felt that there was a hole in my life that I needed another person to fill.
Sometimes I am tempted to instruct-or remind-my questioner about the pleasures of the single life. My time is my own. I can go to bed early or late, as I like. I can eat when and what I want. I can be moody without anyone else asking me what's wrong. I can go places without having to check with another person if it's OK. I don't have to put up with another person's whims, moods, problems and "issues." I'm never lonely: I have interests that fill my mind and occupy my time. If I want company, I can call a friend to go somewhere or do something.
But these reasons seem to cut no ice with partnered people. And some of my reasons refer to things they explicitly reject or regard with distaste, even fear.
Some people seem to need-I don't know what else to call it-the validation of being with another person, as if that proves they have some value-to whom? to themselves?-otherwise insufficiently evident. I've never felt that need. Or they feel the need for another person to somehow complete themselves. But, of course, even if they wonder what is wrong with me that I am single, I am far too polite to turn the tables on partnered gays and ask them what is wrong with them that they feel the need for someone else. Or, more bluntly, how come they cannot thrive being single.
I'm sure I'd be pleased if some handsome, fascinating man wanted to spend more time with me yet somehow allowing me all that autonomy I value. But I am a fairly quiet, ruminative man. I live almost entirely inside my head. And there is no way I could manage to be equally interesting or attractive to some such person. Yes, they say opposites attract. But I reply, "Not enough." And I am comfortable with that fact.
Do not misunderstand. Partnered relationships are fine for people who want or need them, and many people obviously do. And no one is more pleased than I that gays and lesbians can now actually marry. I have over the years argued repeatedly for legalizing gay marriage, and I am gratified that it is finally happening, at least in some states. It just doesn't seem to be something I want for myself.
17 Comments for “Marriage for Us—but Not for Me”
posted by JimG on
I’m with you, Paul. I have never wanted to “need” someone, so the fact that I spend the majority of my time with me, myself and I is a blessing. As far as wanting a partner goes, give me a good friend anyday. Someone I can be with and then see them sometime next week. Knowing through all that time that the bond between us is real and strong.
The “intimate relationship bond” seems so wound up with people needing to fulfill something about themselves through another person that, for me, it is a distraction from my real path (which is a spiritual one at this point).
And I can say from my own experience, we are one group of people that very few of our fellow humans understand at all!
Thank you for a very thoughtful article.
Best,
Jim
posted by Michigan-Matt on
Paul, I can understand the me-centered life that many gays work to construct for themselves because it does, afterall, fit neatly into one of the societal character flaws that most gays carry with them and cultivate like no other: “I am most happy and comfortable when I am with me.”
Not that you’re one of those gays, Paul. I don’t want King Richard swooping in from his elite perch and condemning me for long-distance psychoanalysis without a couch.
From personal experience, I can tell you that being partnered was not about “completing me” -which also seems self-interested in a bizzare way.
It was about giving of yourself to another, building an organic, living relationship that enriches BOTH and creating a relationship that would hopefully produce a stable platform to further build another larger, even more giving relationship in a family that enriches each of us AND society exponentially.
Maybe many heteros and gays look for those relationships because they know deserve the enrichment of a loving relationship in their lives… or maybe they do it because it’s expected by society –just like going to high school or buying a car or getting a job is expected. Or for a gay, voting Democrat; it’s just expected… you’re not allowed to think.
But from personal experience, I can tell you I did it because I wanted to make –what is for gays a supreme sacrafice– and give of myself to something greater than self-interest. And I thank my parents for cutting through the gay culture conditioning to get me to appreicate how special that is by their example.
Now do I get benefits from these relationships that could be undercut by dissenters here and labeled as “self-interest” of and within themselves?
Oh yeah, but here’s the catch. Were they what I thought they’d be? No way, far far far greater. I entered into these relationships with a glimmer of what could be… and sacraficing the gay life’s me-centered focus was worth every single moment. Even enduring the scorn of gayLefties who think it un-gay as some on IGF have complained of late.
Can I go to bed when I want? No and not be readily present for others in this relationship in the morning.
Can I eat what I want? No and the biggest benefit there has been all of us eating better, healthy lifestyles and the joys of community while sharing life at dinner with someone other than self… plus not listening to JonStewart rage-on about Bush Impeachment while eating a cold bowl of Fruit Loops for dinner because, damn it, that’s what I wanted.
I think you might want to talk on a deeper, more probing manner with some of those friends of yours from whom you’ve learned what it means to be in a deeply loving, enriching, monogamous relationship. Maybe they’re part of the “it’s expected” bunch in society… but I imagine it’s more about them not articulating what it means to be in a marriage or LTR… clearly to you, maybe to themselves.
And by doing so, Paul, you might be giving yourself over to a greatER good by helping them explore and better understand that which is the greatEST good in our society… dedication of self to something other than self.
Just a thought.
posted by Jimbo on
Here, here! I totally agree with you. I’m way too independent to be with someone. At 44 years of age, I’m pretty much set in my ways. You laid out all my reasons for remaining a singleton.
posted by guapoguy on
Good lord, can MM not even write about love and sharing one’s life without coming across as self-righteous and hubristic, and unrelentingly judgmental and condescending toward those who don’t share his ideas? I am lucky indeed to have met a man who has stood by me and loved me unconditionally for almost 32 years, but I suspect I’m not nearly as lucky as MM is to have found someone who could do the same for him…or at least put up with his insufferably tedious preaching that is not conservative in character so much as simply offensive.
posted by Michigan-Matt on
guapoguy, good Lord (the capital comes on the L, btw) can you not post an article here without bashing everyone who doesn’t toe your line? We know you have that gayLeft baggage; get over it, ok?
I seem to remember an equally inusfferably tedious preaching line from you recently… something like “Contrary to what our dullard President thinks, dialogue with enemies does not constitute appeasement.”
I’m glad you’ve reached out to embrace an LTR of 32 yrs… I hope your former and first spouse was able to reconstruct her life with equal effect.
Yeah, we’ve only got 14 years, a family, two sons and a 3rd on the way… but at least we don’t have wrecked lives tossed glibly aside in the lust for self-expression.
posted by MadeMark on
I don’t think it’s an either/or reality – either single or partnered, and neither is superior to the other. It’s about living the experience we’re in at the time. I had a partner for 8 years who died in 1991. Then I spent 15 years being happily single. It’s how I lived my life and it was very rewarding. I didn’t fall (often) into thinking a boyfriend would be better, I just enjoyed my life. Then, two years ago, I met a man and now this is my reality: living with him, partnered, dealing with all the challenges that come with sharing your life. Independence is a state of mind: I have no less of it than I had before, I simply behave as a man with a husband now instead of a man who did not have to structure his life with consideration of another. Some of it is age: I’ll be 50 this year, and I wanted the possiblity of getting old with someone, not as some overly romantic notion of rockign in the sunset, but because life’s opportunities and experiences are limited (time is a non-renewable resource) and this is what I’ve chosen for a later stage in my life. But if I’m ever single again, I’ll embrace that and be happy with it.
posted by Patrick on
MM, I think you need to help
this guy
as you can imagine I was SHOCKED when he spelled Lord with a lower case “L”
posted by Michigan-Matt on
Of course you were shocked Patrick… if KingRichard can feign he doesn’t know why gays adore Madonna… you can be shocked that guapoguy didn’t use an L for Lord, too. It’s all reasonable for a group of gays who have the Audacity to Hope.
Hey, that Milkman animation is sick… and not in a good way.
I prefer this: http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2008/04/18/pope
posted by Patrick on
One man’s “sick” is another man’s Michigan-Matt
posted by guapoguy on
Well now, MM, how timely that you should refer to my first spouse. My partner and I just returned from a cruise ship vacation together with her and her second husband, along with the our three children and seven grandchildren. We…all 14 of our extended family…all know what it is to love and share our lives together. We have known how to accept differences and forgive injuries and to focus on the love we share in common. And, by the way, my observations of your offensive and petulant interpersonal style, at least within these pages, stand without modification, including the lower case “lord.” To invoke the upper case “Lord” would be calling for heavenly reinforcement, which is not necessary in your annoying but very lower case. Let me finish my side of this brief exchange by letting you know that I sometimes feel you make some points that would be worthy of respect, if only they weren’t lost in the your apparent compulsion to make those points with rudeness, invective, and self-righteousness.
posted by Jorge on
Most of this reads like your typical Ann Landers column. But are we going to hear about people accusing others of not appreciating all that hard work that went into fighting for marriage?
Crass, but let’s hope so.
posted by Michigan-Matt on
guapoguy, nice words of advice on compassionate dialogue. But the balance of the invective makes them kind of meaningless on your part.
I’m gald you’ve found forgiveness and compassion and adjustment in your life; now try using a little of that karma you’ve earned on others, eh? And drop the petty, mean spirited and rude accusations about others while practicing it in overLoad (capital L for you, guy).
Nothing like an arrogant, presumptive gayLeftie to prove the axiom true: gayLefties will not tolerate dissent from their creed.
Good Lord, when will guys like guanoguy allow some dissent within the gay community. It’s all about political correctness and hyper-toady time if anyone dissents from the runting horde.
Try staying on topic, if you can guanoguy.
posted by Michigan-Matt on
From personal experience, it was about giving of yourself to another, building an organic, living relationship that enriches BOTH. I can tell you that being partnered was not about and creating a relationship that would hopefully produce a stable platform to further build another larger “completing me.” I wanted to make—what is for gays a supreme sacrafice—which also seems self-interested in a bizzare way.
Maybe many heteros and gays, who are even more giving of relationships in a family that enriches each of us AND society exponentially. Look for those relationships because they now deserve the enrichment of a loving relationship in their lives…But from personal experience, or for a gay, voting Democrat; it’s just expected… you’re not allowed to think, I can tell you I did it because.
Can I eat what I want or maybe they do it because it’s expected by society –just like going to high school or buying a car or getting a job is expected. and give of myself to something greater than self-interest. And through the gay culture conditioning to get me to appreicate how special that is by their example.
Now do I get benefits from these relationships that could be undercut by my parents for cutting dissenters here and labeled as “self-interest” of and within themselves? Oh yeah, but here’s the catch. Can I go to bed when I want?
Were they what I thought they’d be? I entered into these relationships with a glimmer of what could be… and sacraficing the gay life’s me-centered focus was worth every single moment. I eat poop as some on IGF have complained of late no way…far far far greater.
No and not be readily present for others in this relationship in the morning.
No and the biggest benefit there has been all of us eating better, healthy lifestyles and the joys of community while sharing life at dinner with the scorn of gayLefties who think it un-gay plus not listening to Jon Stewart. Someone other than self…rage-on about Bush Impeachment while eating a cold bowl of Fruit Loops for dinner because I think you might want to talk on a deeper, more probing manner with some of those friends of yours from whom you’ve learned, damn it, that’s what I wanted.
What does it mean to be in a deeply loving, enriching, monogamous relationship? Maybe they’re part of the “it’s expected” bunch in society… but I imagine it’s more about them not articulating what it means to be in a marriage or LTR… clearly to you, maybe to themselves.
And by doing so, Paul, you might be giving yourself over to a greatER good by helping them explore and better understand that which is the greatEST good in our society… dedication of self to something other than self. I eat poop. Thank you.
posted by Michigan-Matt on
Editors, I think guanoguy is having a little bit of fake-posting fun with the readers and this blog.
The comment directly above is not from me… someone cut and paste some of my comments, put my name in the box and posted it.
Wow, what little, tiny minds would hazard such a childish trick on the IGF readers? Oh, I’m betting it’s another gayLeftie, water-carrying Democrat doing the Masta’s “biz-nass”.
posted by guapoguy on
Nope, MM, it wasn’t me. I don’t really understand the technical cyber-mechanics of these kinds of postings, but I thought cookies or such would prevent imposters from using someone else’s screen nickname. Anyway, it wasn’t me. Weird.
posted by mehek on
Making a list of what you are really looking for in a relationship and partner will change the way you date! It will help you recognize the right men for you, figure out where best to meet them – and what you need to do to interest them.
Deciding to have a relationship with someone is a big decision – isn’t it time we started to treat it like one?
——————
Mehek
[url=http://www.alcoholaddiction.org/virginia]Virginia Alcohol Addiction Treatment[/url]
posted by Michigan-Matt on
Just to circle back around… Richard2 has indicated in other threads that, despite the fact he was fully aware that I have not called him racist names nor uttered bigoted comments about him or other IGF readers and it was the highkinks of an IGF troll (angry that he got booted and blocked at IGF), Richard2 will ignore the truth and facts and continue to spread falsehoods.
I expected Richard2 to admit his mistake, retract his fraud and we could have moved on.
He hasn’t and is unwilling to listen to reason or accept responsibility for his intentional misrepresentations.
The IGF editors are aware of Richard2’s conduct. They know the facts in this matter support me and the truth.
I’m sorry to say Richard2 will likely continue his unreasonable claims. On this, he’s as deceitful as his claim of being an independent.
My apologies to IGF readers for having to dwell on this matter but Richard2 gave us no other course.