I tend to take taxicabs if it is bitterly cold, or late at night, or my destination is some distance away. And I will chat with the driver if he seems open to it-that is, not talking continuously on his cell phone.
One day I was chatting with the driver and he asked if I was married. I could have given the short answer and let it go, but I ventured, "I can't get married," I said. "Gays can't marry in Illinois. We can only get married in Massachusetts."
There was no pause at all. "What makes people gay?" the driver asked. It was as if it was a question he had wondered about before. "Is it genetic or do you choose it or what?" he continued.
Now, I have a kind of complicated phenomenological explanation, but there was no time to try to explain that, so I said, "No one knows for sure what makes some of us gay. Many of us would like to know that ourselves. Certainly none of us chooses to be gay. It is just something we discover about ourselves. But it seems to involve a combination of genetic and constitutional factors and individual personality development." It would have to do.
But this led into question from the driver about how I lived my life, how did I meet men, did I have a partner, do my friends know I'm gay, was I happy with the life, and so forth. The questions poured forth until we reached my destination.
Thinking about it later, I realized that I was engaging in a bit of impromptu gay activism. Here was a man who seemed genuinely interested, so it was worthwhile trying to answer his questions. I may have been the first openly gay person of whom he could ask these questions. I firmly believe that the most effective activism is individual, person-to-person encounters like this.
You can't plan these sudden opportunities, but you can prepare for them by deciding to give the information in passing that you are gay, and deciding to be totally honest. It also helps to have an idea about answers you might give to some of the obvious question. Like everything else, this requires a certain amount of tact and prudence-don't press information on people who seem hostile, etc. The idea is to make a connection and a favorable impression.
And you can look for opportunities to mention being gay. A driver once asked what I did for a living. I could have said, "I'm a writer," and left it at that. But I ventured ahead: "I write for the local gay newspaper." That led to a few questions about gays.
If the driver criticizes President Bush, regardless of your personal politics you can certainly say, "He sure doesn't seem to like gay people like me very much. He doesn't want us to be able to get married."
Nor need this tactic be limited to cabdrivers. Waiting in a group for a bus, one youth-girlfriend in hand-commented "Nice shirt." Since I was bigger than he was (a factor to consider with regard to safety), I answered, "Thanks. My lover-he gave it to me"-pointedly slipping in the gender identifier. "Oh, 'HE', huh?" the young man replied.
A friend summoned for standby jury duty told me he left blank the questions about marital status and said he was prepared to point out to the judge or questioning attorney that he found the question offensive because he was not allowed to get married. Good for him. Would that more people made an issue of the constant "heterosexual assumption."
But sometimes these conversations can take an odd turn. A correspondent wrote recently that when he mentioned gays to his cabdriver the driver replied, "In my country they kill gays." I'm not sure what the right response to that is. Do you say that's barbaric and uncivilized? Do you mention the great Western writers who were gay and wonder what literary losses his country sustained? Do you admit that gays used to be executed in the West until the 18th century, too? Do you say, Well, we are a democracy, not a theocracy run by religious fanatics? I don't know.
Once I hailed a cab as I was leaving the local bathhouse. "What kind of place is that?" the driver asked. "It's a gay bathhouse," I said, feeling my way cautiously. "What goes on in there?" "It's sort of a do-it-yourself bordello," I explained. "You rent a room, shuck off your clothes and walk around to see if you can find mutual interest with another person. If you do, you retire together to your room." "Can anyone go there?" he asked. "Well, it wouldn't be very interesting unless they were gay," I said. Then the driver wondered if I could take him there sometime. I declined and suggested he start with the bars instead.
11 Comments for “Equality through Visibility”
posted by Ashpenaz on
I think making lifelong, sexually exclusive gay relationships visible would help; making open relationships and multiple partners visible would not help but simply reinforce stereotypes. Extolling the wonder of bathouses and circuit parties would be counterproductive, to say the least. All forms of gay behavior are not equally healthy or productive.
posted by Larry on
Excellent thought. I find myself doing just this sort of thing myself. Recently at a new doctor’s intake, the form listed the usual: S,M,D,or W. Odd, since the doctor is openly gay and partnered! Visibility is highly important if we want to combat the right-wing homophobia head on. Just be yourself and don’t hide it.
posted by Bob on
In response to “In my country they kill gays.”, how about saying “That would be a good enough reason for me to leave, too.”
posted by Brian Miller on
A correspondent wrote recently that when he mentioned gays to his cabdriver the driver replied, “In my country they kill gays.” I’m not sure what the right response to that is.
Assuming this was an immigrant taxi driver in the US, how about…
“Actually, no. In your country, gays are winning a struggle for equal rights under the law. Unless, of course, you don’t think of America as ‘your country.’ They also hail cabs, pay fares, and decide what sorts of tips they want to give out — if at all.”
posted by Zeke on
Hear, hear Mr. Varnell. Excellent commentary.
I share your opinion on the tremendous activism quality of simply being honest and open.
I personally believe that a single person living honestly, openly, respectably and respectfully changes more hearts and minds that all of the Pride Parades, Circuit Parties and HRC banquets combined.
posted by sandykon04 on
Well done and you really set a good example for us LGBT. I have to say many LGBT have ever been asked these similar questions, according to what I have heard for those LGBT online at —-bimingle.com— . However, not all LGBT take the same action as you do. If all of us can be brave as you, there will be less discrimination for us LGBT surely.
posted by Patrick on
Ashpenaz, the mere suggestion that there might be another way really sends you into a tail spin. You are so wed to your frenzy and ideology. You are 100% right 100% of the time. Change is a bad thing if it isn?t the change you prescribe. You are so shut down. Stop yelling at the train to stop and jump on board. We have a comfortable seat for ya.
There really is another way to do this. It won’t happen overnight. We have to start somewhere. Don’t be afraid.
posted by Mr. Morris on
I tend to agree with Ashpenaz. Visibility for its own sake can indeed be counterproductive. I do like the approach Mr. Varnell describes. When people can talk to each other openly, honestly, and without being judgmental or accusatory, good things happen. There are plenty of people out there who are not homophobic, and at the same time are ignorant concerning things about homosexual life. Getting these issues out on the table one-to-one goes a long way to keeping that ignorance from turning into hate.
Ashpenaz, you might be interested in a book called “Androphilia” by Jack Malebranche. It is completely different look at gay culture, and how to be a homosexual man. See http://www.androphilia.com for more.
posted by Jorge on
Very fascinating ideas. The problem with this kind of activism, of course, is that all sides have the same equal chance as everyone else to practice it. Hmm, unless you happen to be the bigger guy. “In my country they kill gays” indeed: most of the time we’re the smaller guys. Can we really succeed on our own like this? I think you’re taking a page from Obama’s dialogue on race speech.
posted by Mistereks on
I agree that some of the best activism happens when two individuals find a way to understand each other a little better. However, though I loved the story Varnell opened with, I think sometimes he pushes the subject a little hard — “My lover?he gave it to me.” seems a bit provocative to me.
That said, those moments that can be created by ignoring the hetero assumption have the potential to be very powerful.
My partner and I took a cruise recently, not a gay cruise. (I think the straight world needs to see more of us.) While on the cruise, I proposed and he accepted.
One evening I was in the laundry, ironing a shirt, chatting with a woman from Ohio. She found out it was my first cruise and asked me what was the most exciting that had happened to me on the cruise. I told her. She took it completely in stride and offered congratulations
On most evenings, my partner and I played poker in the casino. The same 12-15 folks seemed to show up, and we all had a good time together. My partner and I never made any sort of announcements, or were overly physical with each other, but we obviously put out enough “couple energy” that people picked up on it. Between games one evening, one of the players (I think he was Canadian, though) very matter-of-factly referred to my partner by saying, “Your husband sure has taken some bad beats this week.”
On the other hand, I heard from the guy we met at the Friends of Dorothy gathering on the ship (a total of five of us showed) told me he’d seen a lesbian couple on the ship (who didn’t show at the FOD) during a deep make-out session on deck, in full view of passengers. Straight or gay, anything beyond a quick tender kiss would have been inappropriate. Incidents like that only encourage the “why do they have to shove their sexuality in my face” crowd.
We need to remind straight people that we exist, that we are as totally human as they are, that our sexuality affects them no more than whether they are left or right handed affects us. And it doesn’t always have to be polite. Just mostly.
posted by libertymad on
Your are right. Quite the opposite to what some in the gay left establishment -sorry to sound so partisan- wants us to do. Keep in the closet but send us a check and we will take care of you. And don’t forget to use our wonderful community services, all of which will cost you twice as much as in the breeders’ side of town.
I pass.