This seems to me a good story to sum up the year: complicated emotions, needless harm, yet in the end hope for all concerned.
I don't know anything about rugby, or Gareth Thomas, but his soon-to-be ex-wife's understanding and uplifting statement about their relationship and its end because of his homosexuality distills my own feelings throughout 2009.
It all begins and ends with the closet. But for this anachronistic social convention that is as useful today as a hitching post, Thomas would not have needed to try and convince first himself, and then someone of the opposite sex that he was straight. It is not enough, in this scheme, that we deceive ourselves; heterosexuals, too, have to be equally and everlastingly drawn into the fraud, some of them at the most intimate level.
Lies so close to the core of our human nature cannot hold for long. In earlier times, spouses like Jemma Thomas also knew the truth. Perhaps they expected less of marriage, or were equally caught up in maintaining the charade. The lies we tell ourselves are the ones we have the greatest stake in.
But each of these experiences helps us better see marriage, and better value it. That is what I hope the movement for gay marriage is adding to society as a whole: a reaffirmation of marriage's worth, of love at its best and commitment at its most forthright.
Yes, this is about the law's failure to recognize our relationships, and we have a very direct interest in that. It certainly involves our self-interest.
But who can speak more authoritatively about the value of something than those who do not have it? Of course we want marital equality because the constitution promises us the equal protection of the laws. But marriage is unlike any other constitutional right, because it involves two people, and in the real world one of them is likely to be heterosexual. Whatever heterosexuals think they are encouraging by either denying homosexuality exists, or insisting that homosexuals hide that fact, they are, in fact, doing something they surely do not intend: assuring that some of their own will be deceived, not in some general sense, but every day of their lives, until the predictable revelation. They are, in fact, using the force of law to guarantee that fate for some of their children.
The whole enterprise of gay rights has been to deconstruct this fabric of insincerity. No one is well served, gay or straight, by making us bear false witness against ourselves. In coming out, Gareth Thomas was doing no more than admitting what could no longer be denied; his regret was not for personal wrongdoing, but for the wrongdoing he felt the world demanded of him.
Jemma has the grace and the pragmatism to recognize that while coming out is hard for both of them, it's better than the closet. Like many other prominent wives during the last decade, she has had to endure the same indignity lesbians and gay men do when the truth can no longer be denied. It is these spouses who are our natural allies; who sees more clearly that heterosexuals have a very direct interest in having us be honest with ourselves and with them, and to form relationships based on that honesty?
Despite her own ordeal, she is ready to continue her own needlessly interrupted life, and expresses her continuing love and good wishes to Gareth.
That is a fine note on which to end 2009. Love and good wishes to all of our readers here at IGF as well.
(H/T to Towleroad)
8 Comments for “A Marriage”
posted by North Dallas Thirty on
The whole enterprise of gay rights has been to deconstruct this fabric of insincerity. No one is well served, gay or straight, by making us bear false witness against ourselves. In coming out, Gareth Thomas was doing no more than admitting what could no longer be denied; his regret was not for personal wrongdoing, but for the wrongdoing he felt the world demanded of him.
As usual, Link blames heterosexuals for the choices made by gay and lesbian people, and completely absolves gay and lesbian people of any responsibility whatsoever for their behavior.
The only people who are not held responsible for their behavior are children, the mentally incompetent, and the insane — and they are not allowed to marry either.
posted by Bobby on
Tell me North Dallas, do we pressure straights to become gay? Do we preach about the evils of heterosexuality from our pulpits? Do we have ex-straight groups? Do we compare heterosexuality to alcoholism? Do we yell that God created Adam and Steve and not Adam and Eve? Do we straight-bash?
I’ve been pressured to date women, I’ve even been offered football tickets, I almost got sent to an ex-gay camp until the shrink told my parents those places are run by evangelical Christians, it has taken YEARS for my parents to accept me the way I am and in spite of that, mother still asks me every once in a while if I might consider dating the daughters of her friends.
So while I don’t absolve gay men who marry women, I can understand the great pressures they face, and I also know that some of those women know their fiancees are gay and still marry them with the hope that they will change.
posted by Twelve-hundred on
ND30 posts, “As usual, Link blames heterosexuals for the choices made by gay and lesbian people,, and completely absolves gay and lesbian people of responsibility whatsoever for their behavior.”
It’s a shame that ND30 didn’t really read the post.
In the passed ND30 quotes, he highlights the phrases “making us” and “he felt the world demanded of him” and mistakenly asserts that these phrases automatically mean that Link blames heterosexuals. This assertion is in fact false. The quotation in context reads, “No one is served, gay or straight, by making us…” When Link says “gay or straight” he means that either gay OR straight people could potentially make homosexuals feel the need to lie to themselves. The second bold phrase reads “but for the wrongdoing [Thomas] felt the worlds demanded of him.” Now, the fact that Link says both “he felt” and “the world” does indicate that there is blame to place, although Link doesn’t necessarily restrict it to heterosexuals. Notice that Link says that it was the wrongdoing that Gareth felt. That means that it was Gareth’s doing as well.
All of that, however, is beside the point. This post is about the grace and peace that Gareth & Jemma have handled their difficult circumstances with. Asher Roth recently commented on gay rights with a very pointed, sincere message. In a statement to the media, Roth said, “Further, someoneâs sexual orientation should NEVER be big news, as it delivers a troubling message to children that they canât be themselves without fear of judgment. Race, creed, and sexual persuasion should not just be tolerated but understood and accepted.”
Things have been rough this year, but in the end, more and more the right people have been supportive, it is a good note to end 2009.
ND30, I’m leaving you the URL for the Oxford English Dictionary, http://www.oed.com. Next time you feel like posting, please be sure to look up words such as “or”.
posted by Lori Heine on
“…and I also know that some of those women know their fiancees are gay and still marry them with the hope that they will change.”
Some straight women actually make almost a sport of it. I have known straight women who have fallen in love with gay men — knowing that these men were gay — and pursued them with great determination anyway. They seem to regard it as a feather in their cap if they can “win them over.”
There are straight men who do the same thing to lesbians.
I think straight people who regard gays and lesbians as their playthings, and who think they can have their way with us just because they’re the majority and society is on their side, are certainly responsible for the decision that they make, too.
For every horror story about a gay person who comes on to a straight one (eeewwww!), there are doubtless many more of these. After all, there are many, many more straight people out there. And for many, their sense of entitlement is boundless.
posted by Bobby on
Well said, Lori, you’re right about the “sport” part since some people think getting someone gay to have sex with you is some sort of victory.
posted by Elizabeth on
My mom married my dad knowing he had “gay tendencies.” Their marriage lasted all of two years. My is now adamantly anti-marriage, having never re-married, with no desire ever to do so.
posted by Elizabeth on
In case it wasn’t clear, my dad is all out gay now – came out to my mom and me when I was about 10 (after the divorce when I was 2). My mom says she suspected he was having gay affairs throughout their short marriage. Hooray “traditional marriage.”
posted by William on
I could imagine someone genuinely being uncertain and getting into a relationship with a woman, knowing that they have gay feelings, but not lying to themselves about liking the girl. It’s not necessarily pressure from society to conform, for some people it could just be what feels right for them at the time. Or even have not given much thought to being gay until it really hits them.
I liked the film In and Out for that reason, it’s not as Kevin Kline in that knew he was gay but was going through with the wedding to cover up. Oscar Wilde was 30 before someone he met knew he was gay and introduced him to the scene. Because of the presumption of heterosexuality, it’s sometimes not obvious to people themselves, so it’s not a conscious closet really.