I don't know how many fans of Mad Men are out there, but last week's episode was terrific. It's called "The Arrangements," and while the focus is on Grandpa's decision to arrange for his passing (something not at all imminent, and which his daughter is not ready to deal with), the title's plural is intentional.
One of the main characters, Sal, is gay (no spoiler here), but has a socially-approved wife. Some would call this a marriage (including Sal and his wife, Kitty), but in the vernacular of sophisticates of the time, it is more clearly an "arrangement." Neither Sal nor Kitty can actually articulate what the problem is, but when you see her watching Sal perform a commercial the way he wants to film it -- and doing his impression of Ann-Margret in the opening of "Bye Bye Birdie" -- the look on her face is the answer to every anti same-sex marriage argument in the book. These are two people mutually deceiving one another about a very obvious fact that lies at the core of their relationship. Very slowly, what they're lying about is coming to the surface.
Do we really want our culture and our laws to go on encouraging this kind of farce? Leave aside for the moment its effect on homosexuals. Is this good for heterosexuals? Watch that scene, pay close attention to the look on Kitty's face, and then ask those who say current marriage laws treat gays equally to answer the questions she is struggling with.
12 Comments for “Arrangements”
posted by Rodney Hoffman on
One of my favorite bumperstickers on same-sex marriage asks, “Would you rather I marry your daughter?”
posted by Philip on
I disagree with your assessment of that scene…I think Kitty realized for the first time what the problem has been all along.
posted by george on
i agree with philip; it’s clear to me that kitty is recognizing (alarmingly so) that sal is clearly not the sort of man she expected when she got married and that he is, instead, a gay man living a lie.
posted by Ken on
But like a good wife of that era, she will go along with the lie because a guy like Sal will be a good provider, father and be the good cover for her status among her circle of friends.
So the lie cuts both ways
posted by Arthur on
Very true, Ken. I have the feeling the anti-gay marriage folks long for ?Leave It to Beaver,? when life, even then, was closer to ?Mad Men.? The repression of what grandparents did to survive the Great Depression, the unfulfilled marriages, alcohol and prescription abuse, the blatant racism/sexism and not always benign parental neglect was rampant in my suburban mid 1950?s to 1960?s upbringing. The only thing missing from ?Mad Men? is how much we kids got paddled for minor infractions in school and at home.
posted by North Dallas Thirty on
One of my favorite bumperstickers on same-sex marriage asks, “Would you rather I marry your daughter?”
And the response is, “My daughter is not dumb enough to marry someone who only wants her for appearances and is going to blame her for the fact that he cheats.”
Or, put differently, if a man cheats on his wife and tries to blame it on her because she doesn’t satisfy him sexually, there are two outcomes.
If he cheats with a woman, he’s a liar and a cad; his behavior is his own fault, not hers, and society ostracizes him.
If he cheats with a man, society forced him to cheat, and it’s all her fault that he cheated; he’s acting courageously and is a hero.
The funny thing here is that you honestly believe that arguing that your sexual needs rationalize lying to and cheating on someone is going to fly with heterosexuals. More likely what it makes obvious is the contempt gay liberals have for marriage and the unwillingness of gay liberals to put any sort of principles or values ahead of promiscuity.
posted by CPT_Doom on
The funny thing here is that you honestly believe that arguing that your sexual needs rationalize lying to and cheating on someone is going to fly with heterosexuals. More likely what it makes obvious is the contempt gay liberals have for marriage and the unwillingness of gay liberals to put any sort of principles or values ahead of promiscuity.
WTF – Did you read the post?! The point is that encouraging gay men and lesbians to lie about their true natures and enter heterosexual marriages is to encourage relationships based on total and complete lies. In fact, the Sal character on the show has not actually cheated (a fire alarm prevented it), but he is still living a lie and still denying his wife the love and intimacy that she deserves – because Sal can only get that from another man.
The anti-gay hate movement (aka the “pro-family” people) consistently argue that those of us who are gay or lesbian can simply “change” if we want to badly enough. Sadly, hundreds of people try this “ex-gay” crap every year and many of them go on to the heterosexual relationships their religions tell them they must. Those relationships are frauds and should not be encouraged – just as Mrs. Haggard, Mrs. Craig or Dina McGreevey.
posted by North Dallas Thirty on
Sadly, hundreds of people try this “ex-gay” crap every year and many of them go on to the heterosexual relationships their religions tell them they must. Those relationships are frauds and should not be encouraged
How do you know, indeed? Are you a mindreader?
Or is it simply more convenient for the narrative to make the blanket statement that all their marriages are bad and unhappy because you lack the intellectual courage or capability to admit that people can make that choice?
Therein lies the problem. If being gay is to any degree a choice, then you are responsible for your behavior. It’s far easier to blame the fact that you married for selfish motives on other people rather than yourself, like Jim McGreevey, the hero of the gay community, does.
posted by Pat on
If he cheats with a man, society forced him to cheat, and it’s all her fault that he cheated; he’s acting courageously and is a hero.
NDT, I don’t think anyone here is saying that it is the woman’s fault at all when a huband cheats on her. But that’s besides the point.
If a gay man marries a woman, she is being shortchanged whether the man cheats on her or not. I agree with you about the character of a man who cheats on his wife, but when I saw the bumper sticker quote, I was thinking about the woman, not the man’s behavior. The fact that she is an innocent victim and that it is all the man’s fault doesn’t help the woman here.
If being gay is to any degree a choice, then you are responsible for your behavior.
First of all, being gay is not a choice. Acting on it, however, is. Whether being gay is a choice or not, you are still responsible for your behavior.
It’s far easier to blame the fact that you married for selfish motives on other people rather than yourself, like Jim McGreevey, the hero of the gay community, does.
Blame whomever you want. That’s not the point. The point is, gay men should not be encouraged to marry women. In fact, they should be discouraged.
To give another example, many women (and men) are encouraged either directly or subtly to get married early. So she agrees to marry the first person who maybe she was only interested in dating. She may even be psyched about all the marriage plans. But once the wedding is over, she then gets the reality of the situation and is miserable during the marriage. Yes, it was her decision. Even if she was constantly harangued by her mother or friends about getting married, she was not forced to marry someone she didn’t want to be married to. But it doesn’t change the fact that we shouldn’t encourage people to get married just for the sake of marrying.
posted by Rodney Hoffman on
And today, an AP story about straight spouses (of LGBT partners) supporting same-sex marriage:
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hoeQsa6LeRFLvMbJzyRj3Axm7DJgD9AN1FHO4
As one man says, “”If gays and lesbians were more accepted, I wouldn’t have married a closeted lesbian.”
posted by North Dallas Thirty on
To give another example, many women (and men) are encouraged either directly or subtly to get married early.
Also known as, “Blame other people for your screwups”. It’s not YOUR fault; other people “made” you do it. Poor helpless you. Perpetual victim.
Do we confront that? No; we play the “what if” game.
Case in point.
As one man says, “”If gays and lesbians were more accepted, I wouldn’t have married a closeted lesbian.”
The sick hilarity in all of this is that this person assumes that the same lesbian who lied repeatedly to him is going to do the right thing when what has been demonstrated is that, when given the opportunity, she clearly does the opposite.
Seriously, has no one seen this story before? Man takes mistress, tells mistress he loves her and will marry her once he ditches his wife, mistress catches him with another woman and acts surprised. Past performance is an excellent indicator of future results.
posted by Pat on
Also known as, “Blame other people for your screwups”. It’s not YOUR fault; other people “made” you do it. Poor helpless you. Perpetual victim.
NDT, again, I get your point. I’m not disagreeing with it. I’m simply saying it still shouldn’t be encouraged. Can you at least agree to that? And also, we still have the other person who is the innocent victim of this misguided encouragement.
If you believe that these types of encouragements are okay, then why don’t we encourage straight men to only marry men, and instill the same kind of taboo if they marry a woman. Then this would root out more would be liars while hurting more innocent victims.
The other point is, let’s suppose you decided to marry a woman. In addition, let’s further assume that you would not cheat on her, which is apparently what you would not do. Is this fair to your wife? In my view, she would be an innocent victim, just as hurt, if not more so, than a man who married her under false pretenses and divorced her.
The sick hilarity in all of this is that this person assumes that the same lesbian who lied repeatedly to him is going to do the right thing when what has been demonstrated is that, when given the opportunity, she clearly does the opposite.
Are you a mindreader now? How do you know that this lesbian would under different circumstances. And no, I’m not excusing any lying here.
Seriously, has no one seen this story before? Man takes mistress, tells mistress he loves her and will marry her once he ditches his wife, mistress catches him with another woman and acts surprised. Past performance is an excellent indicator of future results.
Agreed, but this is a totally different situation. If we stopped encouraging gay men from marrying women in the first place, we would have less gay men from marrying women, and more importantly, fewer innocent women who enter these marriages.