This column hits the internet around my fortieth birthday. Forgive a middle-aged columnist for indulging in some reminiscing.
Little reminders of my age keep creeping up, like the fact that I had to re-word the last sentence after initially writing "This column hits the newsstandsâ¦" My column used to appear in print (and still does, in some markets). At least I've learned to say "music store" instead of "record store," though I don't think I've purchased a record since 6th grade. (It was Billy Joel's Glass Houses.) And even saying "music store" probably dates me.
When I came out at 19, there was no internet. Usually, we met other gays by going to gay bars-when we could find them. When traveling, I'd grab the local phone book (remember those?) and hope to locate something under "Gay," "Lambda" or "Rainbow." Then I'd look for a pay phone.
If the telephone search didn't work, I had an alternate method. I'd go to the nearest mall and find a Gap, where nine times out of ten I could spot a gay salesclerk. (Yes it's a stereotype, but it was a useful one at the time.) I would chat him up so he would fill me in on the local scene-no joking. Who needs gaydar.com when you have plain old-fashioned gaydar?
Reflecting on ways the world has changed during my life, I feel a bit like my grandfather when he talks about when gas was twenty cents a gallon. (Did I mention that, after locating the gay bar, I would walk ten miles to get there, uphill, both ways?)
Like my grandfather, I do find myself occasionally referring to "these kids today."
As a college professor, I know many of these "kids" as students. When I started teaching, I wasn't much older than they. Blessed with a youthful countenance, I could easily be mistaken for their peer. (And yes, the photo accompanying this column is recent.) Now I'm old enough to be their dad-something I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around.
I am both awed and pleased by some of the ways in which their lives will differ from mine. Mainly, I'm filled with gratitude.
Most of these kids don't know what it's like to start a gay and lesbian group at schools that don't have one, and then watch as all of their flyers get either torn down or scribbled with words like "faggot." I'm grateful that such frequent ugliness has become the exception rather than the rule in America.
Most of these kids don't know what it's like to live in a world where, in most people's minds, gay=AIDS=death. I came out in 1988. AZT was just becoming available, and protease inhibitors were some time off. I watched friends and acquaintances die with alarming speed. I'm grateful that most of today's youth don't know that horror-although I wish they would take more care with their sexual choices.
These kids live in a world where, in a handful of places, they can marry whom they love. Seeing this as possible, those in the other places can hope for, and work for, change. I'm grateful for that progress.
I'm grateful that gay sex is no longer criminal in any U.S. state-though grieved that it still warrants the death penalty in parts of the world. For seven years of my adult life I lived in a state where homosexual sodomy was criminal. I cried tears of gratitude when that changed, thanks to the Supreme Court's Lawrence v. Texas decision in 2003.
I know that there's much work left to be done, and I'm grateful to be a part of that work.
I'm grateful for readers from around the world who send me words of encouragement. I'm grateful for family and friends who have supported me. And I'm grateful for my partner Mark, who has been the love of my life for the last seven-and-a-half years. He, more than anyone else, makes me look forward to the next forty.
All in all, it's a good world out there, which makes growing older something to embrace.
18 Comments for “Growing Older, Gratefully”
posted by Alex on
I remember much of that, also. My introduction to the local gay bookstore was quite by accident by finding a copy of Christopher Street magazine at B. Dalton.
“We have to admit that we’ve come a long way,” Dr. Maya Angelou has said. “Young people must be told yes, things are better, but not nearly as good as things will be when you put your [shoulder] to the wheel.”
posted by Dave Miller on
(Did I mention that, after locating the gay bar, I would walk ten miles to get there, uphill, both ways?)
Did you forget about doing it through the driving snow? Both ways. “And their music — It’s just noise!”
I agree completely. There are so many things I’m glad the “kids today” will never know about. And so many other things I’m glad they can take for granted. Now if they’d just show some respect, and pull their pants up. And stand up straight.
posted by Bobby on
“There are so many things I’m glad the “kids today” will never know about.”
—How do you feel about Adam Lambert still not admitting being gay even after those pictures of him came out?
It may seem that “kids today” have it so easy, yet why would that freak with eye liner and those horrible ear holes give a stupid answer like “I know what my sexuality is.”
Back then our closet queers tried a little harder to keep themselves in the closet. They certainly didn’t drop a million clues.
posted by JayP on
Bobby,
not so sure where you are heading with your comments. Are you a pissed off Queer, or a pissed off hetero?
posted by Dave Miller on
Bobby: How much more out would Adam Lambert have to be? If his closet door swings shut, it’s not going to hit his ass.
posted by TS on
JayP, Bobby is quite gay. Just irascible. :-> heheh you know I love you Bobby. The you I know on this place, anyway… and that counts as a you.
Corvino, thanks for being glad to be old. A (particularly insightful, accurate, and disturbing) stereotype about gay men is that they hate and fear their own aging processes. I am young, but I’m glad to know the whole dread of aging thing isn’t universal.
posted by Bobby on
“not so sure where you are heading with your comments. Are you a pissed off Queer, or a pissed off hetero?”
—Pissed off queer. The point I’m trying to make is that not everything is so peachy keen, although I admit that it’s nice living in a world where being gay is not the big deal it used to be.
“Bobby: How much more out would Adam Lambert have to be? If his closet door swings shut, it’s not going to hit his ass.”
—I just don’t want him to insult our intelligence. Clay Aiken had no gay pictures, Charlie Crist has no gay pictures, neither does Ricky Martin, so if the evidence is that obvious, admit it and move on!
“JayP, Bobby is quite gay. Just irascible. :-> heheh you know I love you Bobby. The you I know on this place, anyway… and that counts as a you.”
—Thanks TS, I love you to. The Bobby in the real world is a lot more polite.
posted by TS on
Mwahahaha… I’m afraid the TS in the real world is much less talkative.
posted by JayP on
Bobby,
But everyone’s experience is as unique as it is the same (in the gay world). I don’t think we should presume to know what he is going through, not only that, but I’m sure it’s a really freakin’ smart PR move!! 🙂
posted by Bobby on
“But everyone’s experience is as unique as it is the same (in the gay world). I don’t think we should presume to know what he is going through, not only that, but I’m sure it’s a really freakin’ smart PR move!! :)”
—I suppose that’s true. As for Adam Lambert, I don’t see why it’s a smart PR move. Either you come out or you stay in the closet, but trying to be all things for all people ends up dissapointing everyone.
posted by JayP on
“Disappointing everyone” because he refuses to be clear about HIS personal life probably says more about us than it does him. Ultimately, it’s none of our business. We seem to think because someone wants to be famous or is famous that they no longer have a right to their personal lives. It’s a sick fallacy. And he’s not trying to be “all things for all people”, he justs wants to be a great singer/performer and be known for that. We shouldn’t read too much into who he is, seeing as how we’ve never met him.
posted by Bobby on
“Disappointing everyone” because he refuses to be clear about HIS personal life probably says more about us than it does him.”
—JP, part of what sells a celebrity to the public is their personal life.
Take Zac Ephron, today he was apparently moody so Perez Hilton published some moody pictures of him.
http://perezhilton.com/2009-05-25-is-zac-okay
If Zac didn’t want those pictures published, he should have stayed at home. The paparazzi can’t get a picture of you banging the pizza man if you do it indoors (with the blinds closed)
But if Lambert is photographed while kissing a guy, he was obviously not being very private about his life.
“Ultimately, it’s none of our business. We seem to think because someone wants to be famous or is famous that they no longer have a right to their personal lives.”
—That’s like saying you want to be a soldier and not go to war, or you want to be a fireman or not get burned. Fame has a price. Ask Donald Trump, he could have been like most developers that enjoy the spoils of wealth without ever being harassed by the paparazzi, but, Donald wanted to make more money so he needed fame, and while a picture of him isn’t worth as much as a picture of Zac Ephron, Donald like the others have become public commodities.
“It’s a sick fallacy. And he’s not trying to be “all things for all people”, he justs wants to be a great singer/performer and be known for that.”
—People are seldom known for only one thing. There are plenty of great singers and performers, writing about how wonderful they sing and perform gets boring after a while. The media needs to sell magazines, in order to do that, you have to get personal. Ask Ophra, with her we know she was molested as a child, what diet she’s doing, why she won’t marry Steadman, what charities she supports, what is she wearing, where did she go on vacation. You see? The personal is what makes them fascinating. If Lambert wants to be a sexless freak, fine, but don’t expect me to pay attention.
Look at Ricky Martin, here in Miami I’ve heard rumors of him hiring gay escorts, yet there are no pictures. If Ricky came out of the closet, he would get 5 minutes of fame and maybe sell a few records. But no, he’d rather pretend to be straight, keep his life private and lose interest with the public.
“We shouldn’t read too much into who he is, seeing as how we’ve never met him.”
—But we have met him, we’ve met him on TV, on blogs, on magazines, on every story about him and his life. Famous people invade our homes through the TV everyday, when Princess Diana died, she interrupted Saturday Night Life and I had to put up with her in every freaking channel.
Celebrities should pay for hte price of fame gratefully, ask Reuben (the fat black guy from American Idol), he barely got any coverage when he got married. Why? Because most people don’t care about fat black men. I’m willing to bet that Reuben would kill for the kind of publicity Lambert is getting. And if Lambert is smart, he’s going to come out publicly just like Ellen, and revive his dying career.
And he better do it soon, because Americans are easily distracted and soon enough we’re going to be talking about something else.
posted by JayP on
You are right fame has a price, but it doesn’t give us the right to invade his privacy no matter what. If he gets caught kissing a guy in public then so be it, but it doesn’t give us the RIGHT to know. Famous or not, ALL americans still have rights, period. I couldn’t care less what he does on a friday night, or any other night, I enjoy his singing and if he is so willing to let us into a part of his private life, then he does so graciously. Forcing celebrities into submission is just plain disgusting. And the thought that it’s just a given is the main part of that sick fallacy I was talking about.
posted by Bobby on
“If he gets caught kissing a guy in public then so be it, but it doesn’t give us the RIGHT to know.”
—JayP, nowadays people have cell phones that take pictures, that means anyone can be a paparazzi. So whatever you do in public can be shot or filmed and be put on youtube the same day.
Smart celebrities go to ultra-exclusive VIP rooms, they have private drivers, they party at secluded islands, they know how to avoid the media. Dumb celebrities drive drunk, do drugs in public, or exit a limo without underwear. Do you really feel sorry for them? These people are scum, they have all the money in the world and look at how they abuse their privilege.
“Forcing celebrities into submission is just plain disgusting.”
—Why are you defending Lambert’s privacy when the media always reports on the heterosexual activity of every star? I’m sick of the double standard, our lives are just as important and if Lambert is hooking up with a different guy every night, that should be reported.
posted by JayP on
I am defending any celebrities privacy. You seem to be wanting Adam Lambert to be some bright Gay Beacon for the Gay community. It’s NOT his job.
I don’t think you are seeing my point, which I suppose is just a differing of opinions on each others parts, and that’s fine, because this is fun.
Yes, people do have cell phones and things are constantly put on Youtube same day, and if in the public realm, technically it is legal. Is that the answer you wanted? I mean, technically, this is correct, which I believe I eluded to when I stated, “If he gets caught kissing a guy in public then so be it.” But this situation does not apply to what you originally stated about Adam Lambert.
Adam Lambert was asked if he was gay, his answer did not suit your desires. To this degree, unless and until he screws up in public or states otherwise, he deserves complete RIGHT to privacy like everyone else, and that right carries on for every human being in my opinion.
P.S. From reading your posts, I can’t help but get the feeling that you are very angry with heterosexuals. It’s just how I am reading into it. I apologize if not the case, but if so, that’s a fine line you walk. We aren’t going to make any strides with our rights without them on our side. Our goal should all to be on the same team, because with two teams, someone is always going to have to lose, and trust me, it won’t be them.
posted by Bobby on
“I am defending any celebrities privacy. You seem to be wanting Adam Lambert to be some bright Gay Beacon for the Gay community. It’s NOT his job.”
—Right now he’s shaming the gay community by sending the message that his sexual orientation is so disgusting he can’t even talk about it. The breeders have no problem shouting that women are beautiful from the rooftop. Watch “The Man Show with Jimmy Kimmel” and you’ll see them doing that. How shameful that the breeders can be so out while Adam Lambert can’t even say he’s gay.
“Adam Lambert was asked if he was gay, his answer did not suit your desires. To this degree, unless and until he screws up in public or states otherwise, he deserves complete RIGHT to privacy like everyone else, and that right carries on for every human being in my opinion.”
—What about the documentary Outrage which exposes closet gays that work for the republican party, including some elected officials? Don’t you get it, PRIVACY = SHAME. I grew up in a latin culture where people express their sexuality constantly, maybe the WASP culture is more subdued, but even Bree Van der Kamp doesn’t hide her sexuality.
“P.S. From reading your posts, I can’t help but get the feeling that you are very angry with heterosexuals.”
—Not exactly, I’m angry with heterosexism, the idea that everyone is heterosexual and anyone that isn’t should be ignored. The double standard in the media with the gay they glorify straight love and lust but ignore gay liaisons. And I’m angry with closet gay celebrities that are de facto collaborators of heterosexism.
Every time a gay celebrity comes out or is outed, it changes people. The celebrity benefits because he or she is free from the bondage of lying while the public gets to realize that gays aren’t so bad. Look at Ellen! She’s a hit on daytime TV. Look at Rosie O’Donnell, she was a hit at The View. We’ve had so many women come out that now most people are comfortable with lesbians, it’s gay men we need to work on.
Besides, I want Lambert to write a few songs that are gender-neutral or about loving men. Ever notice how few songs celebrate gay love, lust, betrayal? Do you really like hearing Elton John sing about loving women? Aren’t you tired of hearing a woman sing “Let’s hear it for the boy?” Heterosexism ends when our gay stars come out.
posted by JayP on
Bobby,
While I see exactly the direction you are coming from. I truly do understand your point of view. However, it decries facts. I could just as easily make the suggestion that by saying that he knew what his sexuality was, he was making a statement that my sexuality should not be a big deal any longer and that it does not bear your attention. As I am sure he knows about circulating pics around the net, it wouldn’t make sense that he is actually hiding who he is. And if so, wouldn’t he have said that he was straight? The shame idea does not bear out in my mind regarding the circumstances surrounding it. Could I be wrong, sure. But it’s a valid direction I think.
RE: Privacy=shame
No, I don’t get it. The right to privacy that I have been talking about with you has always been about the legal aspect of every american, gay or straight. There are plenty of straight americans who are very private about their lives and it has nothing to do with shame. In some circumstance, your argument may be valid, but it was not the discussion I was having with you. Furthermore, this argument also decries any known facts, simply speculation.
Also, is it possible that PRIVACY=FEAR OF REJECTION, NOT SHAME? I recently had a discussion with a mother who when her son came out, he had his back turned to her. She was wondering why he was ashamed of it. His statement was that he was afraid she would reject him. That was the same story for me. When I finally came out to my dad, I had already gotten past the shame part. I was afraid of my family’s rejection. Could all of these be a factor, sure. I just can’t tell by that one statement that what you are saying is the case.
As far as heterosexism goes, I completely agree with you. However, that anger, in my opinion should not be placed at Adam Lambert’s feet. He is not the cause. Put it where it belongs, which I am sure you do, so that we don’t even have to think about the privacy=shame argument.
I would love to see Adam make some songs that are gender neutral or about loving men as well. However in the meantime, I hope to cheer you up with a song from a man named John Barrowman. He is the lead actor in a show called torchwood on BBC, which by the way has gay themes running all through the thing. But he is also a singer. Check it out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBe22HYEbe0
posted by tavdy79 on
How do you feel about Adam Lambert still not admitting being gay even after those pictures of him came out?
It may seem that “kids today” have it so easy, yet why would that freak with eye liner and those horrible ear holes give a stupid answer like “I know what my sexuality is.” — Bobby
You’re making a big assumption – that because he kissed a guy (or whatever it was he did) that automatically makes him gay. He could easily be bisexual or genderqueer, and if so I greatly doubt he’d want to be open about it given the way both groups are treated not only by heterosexuals but also by many gays, and gay men in particular.