Is there a new definition of "out"?
Time was, you weren't officially out (especially if you were a celebrity) until you declared it in public. You had to stand before a microphone and say, "Yes, I'm gay," or "Yes, I'm a lesbian."
Or you had to speak to Barbara Walters. Or become a spokesperson for a gay organization.
Or you had to give an exclusive magazine interview, where you declared - as Ellen DeGeneres did in 1997 - something like "Yep, I'm gay."
Clay Aiken did exactly that last week with his People magazine interview. The cover line? "Yes, I'm gay."
But unlike Ellen, who caused a firestorm of response and a temporary halt to what has turned out to be a long-lived career, people mostly looked at the Aiken cover and either shrugged or said they supported him.
Why the shrug? Because gayness is no longer something extraordinary or indecent. It is not longer about the Love That Won't Dare Speak It's Name.
Instead, it's become a lot more like heterosexual love - something to parade on red carpets, to sweeten with children, to commit to in sickness and in health.
Which makes me wonder: Is the Aiken cover the death knell of the public proclaiming of gayness?
Take Aiken's counter-example of Lindsay Lohan.
Lohan has no magazine interview where she declares, "For sure! I'm gay!" I've seen nothing on record where she identifies herself as a lesbian.
Instead, she has simply been very public about being in love with DJ Samantha Ronson. Not in the creepy, Tom-Cruise-jumping-on-a-couch kind of way, but in a quiet, respectful way. The women have been photographed holding hands everywhere; they seem to always be together.
And when Lohan was asked how long the two of them had been together on a call-in radio show, she simply answered, "A long time."
In other words, Lohan and Ronson act just like famous (and not-so-famous) heterosexual couples do.
There was no public proclamation, because there was no need for one. The world has changed, and with it, the definition of what it is to be out.
Public proclaiming always felt to me to be both necessary and unfair. On the one hand, what heterosexual had to give a magazine interview assuring people of his or her straightness? (Unless, of course, that heterosexual was actually "secretly" gay and trying to hide it.)
On the other hand, if we didn't proclaim in public - if we didn't take the microphone on National Coming Out Day or gather our families to tell them explicitly that yes, we're gay - then we were invisible.
Straight people could pretend that we didn't exist. And people who don't exist don't get civil rights.
I'm not saying that we're in the clear now. Of course we're not. We are still far, far from achieving full equality, and there are still plenty of people who don't think we should be able to recognize our relationships.
Studies have shown that knowing gay people makes a real difference in how straight people view LGBT civil rights - and celebrities often feel like friends. It is always wonderful to have a new, particularly beloved, celebrity join our parade. Clay Aiken is welcome.
But I think acknowledging one's gayness to oneself and others is becoming less a question of COMING out and more of simply BEING out.
We are more likely now, I think, to just be ourselves, living our lives. To hold hands with our girlfriends. To join our husbands at back-to-school meetings. To snuggle on the train.
Being out is something all of us can do. We don't have to talk to a magazine. We don't even necessarily have to have "the talk" with our families or friends. We don't have to have some intense, confrontational (or cathartic) coming out.
Instead, we can invite them to our weddings, and talk about our husbands and wives and boyfriends and girlfriends the same way heterosexuals do.
We no longer need to proclaim our sexuality in public, because it is no longer assumed that all people are heterosexual. We no longer need to shout, "We're here! We're queer!" to show people that we exist.
We only have to be open about who we are and who we love.
And that is a world I'm happy to live in.
6 Comments for “Being Out”
posted by David Skidmore on
To me, being out is being able to be obviously gay in any situation. The problem at the moment is that it is simply impossible – unless you want to cop abuse or a bashing. Something heterosexuals don’t think twice about is being physically close when walking down the street to go to the supermarket or pub or coffee shop or even just waiting for a train. Even if you don’t hold hands, there are signs that two people are obviously a couple. Gay-bashers pick up on this. Sure, not every straight is a gay-basher but for gays how do you know who is or isn’t? Sounds paranoid but if you are gay you have to be so careful of your physical surroundings and who is near you.
A truly gay-friendly society means gays can drop the pretense of not being gay in any location or situation such as public spaces, family dos or at work. We could actually relax. I imagine women of whatever sexuality have similar problems in certain situations. And it must be as exhausting as I find trying not to be targetted as a gay man.
posted by Pete on
“Being out” is a peculiar culturally bound thing. I may act “obviously gay” when I embrace friends in public or give some guy a kiss, but to the next person to see me a minute later, I’m as invisible as anyone else. But only in America are two men embracing or kissing “obviously gay”. Men in many other countries freely walk down streets holding hands. They’re just friends. In other countries men freely kiss and embrace. They’re just relatives or brothers, etc.
And how long does “being out” last? Yesterday, I might have been interviewed by a newspaper or my face might have been on the cover of a national gay magazine. Today, does anyone I see walking down the street know that I’m gay? Perhaps, but probably only if they’re gay as well. So coming out or being out is something you have to do with every encounter with every person you meet? Isn’t this a little silly?
The really odd thing is that there’s no commonly acceptable way to advertise your orientation. I know you’re thinking why would anyone want to? But when you consider the jewelry, the head scarves, the facial hair, the tattoos, that Americans routinely and unthinkingly adorn themselves with to express their religion, culture, ethnicity, wealth, and a host of other aspects far less personal than their sexual orientation, you wonder why we don’t.
Of course, I’m joking. Why would anyone want to advertise their sexuality?
posted by Ashpenaz on
I have “come out” to my family and close friends. But to the rest of the world, I’m a “do-the-math” gay. I’m over 40, single, and I saw Mamma Mia 3 times. It doesn’t seem to be worth the effort to answer a question no one is asking. Either they’ve figured it out or they don’t care. I don’t change pronouns. I give honest answers to honest questions, but honestly, no one has asked my whether I’m gay or why I’m not married in years.
When I have a boyfriend, Jason Statham and I will do whatever anyone else does in public. I haven’t seen any couples over 40 making out or holding hands. We’ll probably argue over 1-ply or 2-ply the way other couples do. I’m not trying to hide our love, but most people don’t advertise it, either, trying to get a response from an oppressive society.
Although I used the word “gay” in the first paragraph, I choose not to identify as “gay” because that term is tied to a subculture I’m not part of. I say “attracted to men.” Or, I plan to say that if anyone ever asks, which might not be ever.
posted by David Skidmore on
Although some gays (or homosexuals or whatever) choose not to label themselves ‘gay’, the problem is that others will do it for them. And it can be a serious problem if we’re talking about those who would assault us. I choose the label ‘gay’ but would certainly not hold hands with a same-sex partner in some situations due to possible violence. But I’m still gay regardless. I can’t imagine too many straights who would try to hide their sexuality.
posted by Ashpenaz on
Maybe I’m living in my own little Marlo Thomas “Free-to-Be-You-And-Me” dreamworld, but I’ve always been told to just be myself and people will like me. If people want to label me, that’s their problem. Because I’m from Nebraska, people call me a Husker. That doesn’t make me a fan.
At Bible study today, a guy reached over another guy’s shoulder and around his chest in sort of a weird embrace in order to pour him a cup of coffee. Guys touch each other all the time. While I wouldn’t skip down the street holding hands with Jason, I think a lot of basic affectionate touches would go completely unnoticed.
I don’t think that beating up gays is the big thing anymore. I’d be much more likely to be assaulted if people thought I was a Muslim or an undocumented worker. Apparently, I can be beaten up by academic elites and Hollywood stars for liking Sarah Palin. Gay bashing is so yesterday.
posted by David Skidmore on
I’m glad gay-bashing is so yesterday. That means I’ll never have to worry about being assaulted because I’m gay ever again. What a relief. And I too am a bit over criticism of Sarah Palin. She’s the best Tina Fey impersonator I’ve ever seen.