Jorge, my super, sat on my couch the other afternoon, having tea and pie. My building's heat was out again, but this time the problem was serious: the boiler had cracked. Jorge was waiting for a mechanic of some kind to come, and so I invited him in.
"You don't have children?" he asked. I knew he had five, all of whom still live in Ecuador.
I shook my head.
"You need children for a family," he said.
"I want children," I said.
He nodded and shrugged a shoulder. "Well, it's OK," he said. "In America, it's OK. You have children at 30, at 35, older. Plenty of time here to have children," he said.
We went on to other things, but part of me has fixated on that idea since. Plenty of time to have children? Can that be true?
I never thought I would have biological clock panic, but I am, a little. Partly it's because a couple months ago my age tipped toward 40 - I'm 36. But mostly it's because
1. I really do want children and always thought I'd have them and
2. as of this month, nearly every single one of my close female friends either has children, is pregnant, is trying to get pregnant, or is trying to adopt or thinking seriously about adopting. How did this happen?
Nineteen months ago, when I moved to New York, none of my Chicago friends had children, and none of my New York friends did, either. Most of my friends with kids were college friends who lived in other states, and whom I communicated with mostly through Christmas cards or reproductions of sonograms.
In Chicago, I was living a youthful life. I played flag football. I went to performance art. I hung out with friends. Children seemed very, very far in the future.
But then, toward the end of my time there, I dated a great girl who adored her many nieces and nephews. I fell in love with them and with her simultaneously; for the first time I understood the small joys a daily life with children could bring, and the deep closeness and respect and love you can feel for someone who partners with you in raising them.
She - they - were my only Chicago regret.
Since our time together ended, I've been thinking more and more about having kids myself. And then single women I was close to started having - or trying to have - children on their own, or adopting - or beginning the process.
Now, almost every conversation I have with a friend has babies or children in it. On the one hand, I now feel very comfortable with adoption, which means Jorge is right - I do have plenty of time to have children.
On the other hand, I feel very, very ready to have them. I've got a solid career and a lot of energy and happiness. Plus - and I hope this sounds the way I mean it to - I kinda want to raise kids during the same period my friends are raising them.
I already feel like my life is revolving a bit around children. Having them (or adopting them) myself while my friends are sharing experiences and babysitting and kid's clothes and strategies seems perfect.
Yet - I don't want to be a single mother. I'm sure I can do it. My own mother did it very well, and thousands of women raise wonderful children on their own. Also, single motherhood can always happen unexpectedly, for a variety of reasons - even if I were partnered, it could happen to me. But I would rather start raising kids within a loving partnership, for my own sanity.
At the moment, I feel very, very far from such a thing, and I've realized something lately - I actually want children more than I want to be partnered. And the idea of finding a partner to have a child is just as distasteful as having a child to save a partnership.
So what will I do?
For the moment, I'm just waiting. I'm listening to my friends as they explore their options. I study various fertility processes. I flip through adoption websites. I read up on adoption law, and what would happen if I had a child first and then found a partner who wanted to adopt my child later. I advocate for full marriage rights for gays and lesbians, so that the whole process will be easier. I go on dates with women who have children, because if it worked out, that would kill two birds.
I want to raise children - I'm not particular about whether I give birth to them or not. A dear friend tells me, "You can make that happen. That will happen. You have time."
Time, she says. I have time. And Jorge, too: "Plenty of time here to have children," he said. I try to relax in the fact of that. But as I watch the children of my friends get older so quickly, time seems race by.
5 Comments for “Single, Without Children”
posted by Throbert McGee on
Just for the sake of discussion, have you ever considered the option of marrying a gay man with the intent to live together as committed co-parents of adopted children, while each of you has “friends” on the side?
The theoretical advantage I can see in such an arrangement is that your commitment to each other as co-parents would NOT rest on mutual romantic/sexual attraction, which as we all know can be fleeting.
posted by Karen on
An interesting thought, Throbert, but that setup would be problematic.
For one thing, she does seem to intend to have a committed, monogamous relationship with a woman in the future. Living with a man and really raising a child *together* makes that difficult – three is a crowd, hence the perennial unpopularity of plural marriage in modern, non-cult communities.
Considering that marriage equality could be right around the corner, what would happen if she did find someone? Would she divorce the man and marry the woman? Who would now raise the children – all three? All four if the man also finds someone? I suppose it’s possible, and it doesn’t look too much unlike some blended straight families, but I myself would never create such a situation on purpose.
For another thing, marriage, as we all know, is more than just a legal arrangement strictly created for the parenting of children. It means something about the couple and it has legal ramifications that extend far beyond the children. Otherwise, unhappily married but friendly straight couples with children would routinely skip the divorce, since they are still parenting those children together. I’ve never heard of such an arrangement – have you? Marriage has both symbolic and practical value to couples, regardless of whether or not they have children – and divorce is no different.
posted by Greg Capaldini on
I guess I’m just impossibly old-fashioned, but I believe raising children presupposes a solid primary relationship of two adults. So I’m glad the author came around to saying that she’ll make this a priority first. I have deep respect for single parents who make sacrifices and who love their kids, but single adults should think long and hard before taking on parenthood, even those who are financially secure. Being gay (as I am) or straight makes no difference in this respect.
posted by Erich Riesenberg on
Like Greg, I am old-fashioned, and think the best environment for raising a child is two parents, four grandparents, two siblings, one dog, and at least a half dozen neighborhood children of the same age. A good size trust fund and genetic testing of the parents helps.
Then I realize, there are people different from me, smarter and less smart than me, who have their own ideas, and I should worry about myself first, and help create a good society when possible. Very few people are perfect, and those who are likely don’t know it.
posted by Bobby on
“Kust for the sake of discussion, have you ever considered the option of marrying a gay man with the intent to live together as committed co-parents of adopted children, while each of you has “friends” on the side?”
—I think it’s a bad idea, the kid would end up with 4 sets of parents if each parent find their true love, only the biological parents would have full rights, and for the co-parents to get rights themselves the bio-parents would have to sign papers, perhaps renounce their own parental rights. It’s a messy situation. Judges can recognize a second parent adoption, but I’ll dout they’ll support a third or fourth parent adoption.
The best thing for a lesbian is an annonymous donor. Gay men can adopt other people’s babies or use a surrogate mother. Although frankly, I fear the idea of the bio parent telling me what to do, changing her mind, etc. So if I ever want to have kids, I’ll adopt.
“but single adults should think long and hard before taking on parenthood”
—I think even couples should think really hard about this. I love my niece and nephew, but I would not want to be their parent, kids can drive you crazy, they need constant attention, and unlike dogs, you can’t just train them, they’re gonna get in trouble, make scenes in public places, wake the whole house at 6:00 a.m., cost a lot of money even if you send them to public school. It’s a huge sacrifice.