Old Age too creeps up on little cat feet. It happens while you are busy doing something else, usually something far more interesting. And it happens so gradually that you don't realize it is happening to you. Which is fine because it really isn't a big deal.
When we were young we all expected being old to feel very different from being young, but it doesn't, at least not enough to be a qualitative change. More often, getting older is something that you notice in other people, not in yourself.
But once in a while you get clues from the way other people behave toward you. More people call you "Sir" or "Mister." Nobody calls you "Dude" or "Guy." Once I was called "Grandpa." A few weeks ago I was carrying some groceries onto a bus and a young woman offered me her seat. Sales clerks seem more willing to offer assistance, I suppose thinking I am more likely to need it. A casual acquaintance at a bar recently asked how old I was and let out a little gasp when I told him, as if to say, "What? And not dead yet?"
Another clue is that most of your old college professors, all the major modern thinkers you learned from, most of the modern authors whose books you enjoyed are now dead--even the long-lived ones. Just to take a few recent examples, Milton Friedman, Kurt Vonnegut, Barbara Gittings. Many others died further back--in the 1970s and 1980s. You get the disconcerting feeling that it all depends on your generation now. I sure hope the others are doing their part because I can't do it alone.
You become vaguely aware that time grows shorter, that there are a lot of things you've been meaning to do "someday" and that if you don't do them pretty soon you won't get them done ever. As of my birthday a few days ago, the actuarial tables give me several more years, which isn't so bad, really. You can do a lot in several years.
But the point is that somewhere along in the aging process you begin to take seriously the idea that life has a terminus and that--surprisingly--this actually applies to you too. This is nothing as big and gloomy as the Existentialists' "sense of one's own mortality," just a kind of "Oh, if not now (or soon), then never."
So you have to begin a kind of triage among your various goals, casting aside the less important and never-very-heartfelt ones (e.g., reading Proust), and resolve at least to begin working on the others. In the last few years, for instance, I've been spending some of my free time learning more about art to make up for a deficiency in my education. It turned out to be enjoyable as well as interesting.
For the same reason, I've started occasionally reading some books generally regarded as a "classic," many of which turned out to be pretty good. Other people will have different goals: travel to a foreign country they have never seen, taking up a hobby or craft, getting involved in local politics. Whatever it is, it is time to do it.
One of the most common beliefs about growing older is that aging is accompanied by a decline in energy level. No doubt that is true. But the decline is so gradual that you hardly notice it and scarcely feel the loss as it is occurring. Don't worry about it. Just accept it as part of the gift of a long life. A lot of gay men never got that gift.
One of the great benefits of growing older is the natural ability to act mature. Most of us who are older have, I think, developed a kind of reserve and restraint, a degree of emotional stability, a bemused attitude toward life, a greater degree of empathy in our relationships, and a broader perspective. Those are gains not to be disguised or abandoned.
Once in a while you see some older gay man acting as if he were in his 20s, as if he thinks that is a great age to be. It doesn't work. In fact, it only highlights how old he really is by drawing attention to his failure to be what he is trying for. People, including the young, will respect you more for being a good example of whatever age you really are.
And frankly, young gays need older gay people as exemplars of how they themselves can grow up rather than remaining, for lack of visible alternatives, in the state of perpetual adolescence we sometimes see in younger gays at the bars. Our "culture," such as it is, must get over the excessive focus on youth and youthfulness. Even if it is only a stereotype, it is one that we help perpetuate by not challenging it directly.
11 Comments for “Appreciating Gay Maturity”
posted by dalea on
Thank you Paul, great article. Like the bumper sticker says: growing old is not for sissies.
posted by Kody on
I kind of resent the faux sagacious attitude of some older gay men towards young people like myself. I mean give me a break; just because a lot of you were obsessed with sexual promiscuity, superficially self-absorbed and stuck in perpetual adolescence well into your late thirties doesn’t mean every member of the younger generation is bound to repeat your sophomoric life errors and philosophical follies. Some of us don’t need old age as an impetus to responsibility and emotional maturity, so please don’t infantilize us.
posted by Drew on
I can not agree with this comment of yours: “Once in a while you see some older gay man acting as if he were in his 20s, as if he thinks that is a great age to be. It doesn’t work. In fact, it only highlights how old he really is by drawing attention to his failure to be what he is trying for. ”
If it does not work, than your out of shape and are not taking care of yourself. Age is largely irrelevant. It is matter of doing what YOU WANT TO DO. Stop worrying about what other people THINK your should. A person should go where they want to go, do what they want to do, be who they want to be. Sounds to me like your looking to resign from taking care of yourself.
posted by Brian Miller on
If it does not work, than your out of shape and are not taking care of yourself.
I had to laugh out loud at this silliness.
You do know that things like testosterone production, bone density, and muscle/fat distribution change in *everyone* — regardless of level of exercise — right?
No sixty-something man is going to appear to be 20-something without vast amounts of cosmetic surgery and supplemental hormones/steroids. Most of those fifty-something guys with the “old men’s faces” and “studly bodies” are heavily dependent on both. That’s not healthy.
Some of us don’t need old age as an impetus to responsibility and emotional maturity, so please don’t infantilize us.
I do agree somewhat with this. As a gay man in his early 30s, I spent a great deal of my 20s trying to engage in dialogue with older gay men as someone to learn from — only to be viewed as a potential sexual conquest by the older men. The older men would promptly condemn me for my shallow nature when I turned down their unsolicited advantages, although they only valued in me the age and youth that they themselves lacked and claimed wasn’t important.
Really, all of gay “culture” should take a moment to consider the nonsexual implications of gayness more often and stop viewing every gay man met through a sexual lens. That lens is a consistent area of judgment for many gay men of all ages — even ones who complain about the shallowness of youth.
posted by Harke the Apostle on
While I don’t doubt that old age has its rewards.
The stament that young gays must see older gays as examples I find quite dangerous, since not all older gays are very wise people.
Also isn’t coming to terms with being gay about finding out what YOU want, rather than following some new role model like the one that didn’t work for you last time around?
posted by Kody on
Really, all of gay “culture” should take a moment to consider the nonsexual implications of gayness more often…
I concur!
posted by Craig2 on
Surely there should be an emphasis on prudence and moderation, not age per se. As has been noted above, there are some older “ghettoised” gay men who haven’t been socialised into mainstream social behaviour and behave in ways that are embarassing. I know some younger men who are similarly afflicted.
I’ve known some charming and non-‘predatory’ older gay men, as well as some utter srcew ups whose personalities were twisted out of shape trying to deal with adjustment to the demands of homophobic religious groups while still having gay sex, which made them feel guilty, so they made everyone else feel miserable.
posted by Jeff on
Oh for goodness sake, people (especially the oh-so-erudite Kody.) Read the piece again. It’s much more about getting older, accepting it, and acquiring new knowledge and experience than being gay. (The allusion to Sandberg’s fog in an opening sentence about aging was witty and apt, too!)
posted by Herb Spencer on
“Surely there should be an emphasis on prudence and moderation, not age per se. As has been noted above, there are some older “ghettoised” gay men who haven’t been socialised into mainstream social behaviour and behave in ways that are embarassing. I know some younger men who are similarly afflicted.”
The gay male population of the City & County of San Francisco comes to mind.
“You do know that things like testosterone production, bone density, and muscle/fat distribution change in *everyone* — regardless of level of exercise — right?”
Not to mention the other naturally occurring incidents of old(er) age: prostate “issues,” kidney stones, vision changes, skin elasticity … The one thing I find nice about growing older is the sense of camaraderie we older guys aren’t shy of sharing. But, I also find that straight men are much more open to joking and commiserating about these things in public than gay men are.
posted by Craig2 on
I think there should be far more emphasis on LGBT senior citizens groups and planning for residential facilities. And as for physiological attributes of ageing, well, they happen to us all.
Incidentally, may I compliment the author on a most stimulating, thought-provoking article?
posted by Jim on
One of the non-infantilizing things an older man can model to a younger man is that you can grow old and accept it with grace, and not obsess about the passing of youth. Preaching about it is probably bound to sound condescending, but just setting that example wouldn’t offend anyone.