IGF CultureWatch

Thirteen years ago as the gays in the military fiasco that led to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was roiling the country then-President Bill Clinton urged gays and lesbians to "Tell your stories" in an effort to sway popular sentiment in their direction.

The advice came far too late to be of any practical use on the military issue, but it was important advice for the long term and we fail to act on it at our peril.

Each year as the Gay Pride parade comes around, gays take to the streets in our big cities carrying signs and chanting slogans about "Gay Pride," "Gay and Proud," etc. I suppose those are good polemical slogans to direct to closeted gays and lesbians to let them know that it is possible to be a proud, self-confident gay person. There are still a lot of gays in the closet.

But I suspect the notion of "gay and proud" has about zero effect on most heterosexuals, a substantial portion of whom are either reflexively antagonistic to gays or undecided about them. There is no logical connection between the fact that a person is proud and the idea that he or she deserves respect or equal freedom. No husband surfing TV channels and happening upon a film clip of a Gay Pride parade is going to turn to his wife and say, "Oh look, Martha, gays are proud now. We should let them have equal rights."

"National Coming Out Day" represented a different approach: A specific occasion on which gays might come out to friends, relatives, whoever. No doubt that is useful. It lets people know that they know gay people and opinion surveys do shows that knowing two or more gay people does correlate with a more positive attitude toward gays.

But I suspect this is true primarily if the respondent already knows, likes and respects the person coming out. If the person coming out is unlikeable or viewed with distaste, coming out might have little impact. It might even increase anti-gay feelings. We have all run into gays and lesbians we want nothing to do with and hope they have the decency to stay in the closet.

Then too, it is not actually clear that coming out changes other people's attitudes about gays. The surveys show a correlation, not causality. It seems equally possible, and perhaps more likely, that gays choose to come out to people whom they think will be receptive--who have already indicated in some way that they are generally open and tolerant.

So we are left with telling our stories. By "tell your stories," Clinton no doubt meant--and it is not his advice alone--explain to people how we gradually realized our homosexuality, the discomforts and hesitations we felt, the pain we felt from people's antagonism, our struggles for self-acceptance, how we conduct our lives now, and so forth.

The point of telling our stories is that it is the most effective possible counter to the idea--and it is not found solely on the religious right--that being gay is some sort of choice or willful indulgence. Logically it makes no sense to say that anyone chooses his sexual and emotional feelings; rather he discovers them, sometimes he is gripped by them, often to his own surprise. But if people thought logically about homosexuality, gays would have achieved equality long ago.

By telling our stories we can help people develop the kind of emotional connection that can lead to a degree of understanding about what we experienced. And by showing the fundamental humanness of our experience, we can reduce some of the mysterious otherness of homosexuality.

But it is not easy for most of us who have been out of the closet for a while to think back to an earlier period when we may have felt uncomfortable about ourselves, tried to suppress our feelings, worried about their implications for our future, and lied to others about our desires. It is often a painful period most of us would rather not recall. It is more comfortable to wear a button that says "Gay and Proud"--as if it were just that easy.

I suspect that recounting that period is particularly difficult for men. In our culture women are permitted, even encouraged, to talk about their feelings and emotions. Men are not. For men, to recount unhappiness, uncertainty and anxiety suggests weakness--a lack of self-confidence and self-control, in short a failure of male competence.

But it is a task that needs to be undertaken nonetheless, selectively, at the right time and under the right conditions. Fortunately, most people are happy to hear a salvation story, a triumph over adversity, a victory for integrity and a happy outcome. Told in that way, our stories can reflect well on us and help others relate to our struggles at the same time.