Originally published August 22, 2003, in The Washington Blade.
Whoa! Slow down there, homosexuals!
Yeah, we're enjoying a great gay run. For the first time ever, it's now legal everywhere in America for us to have sex with each other, and our relationships even got some validation from the U.S Supreme Court. Canada is poised to open up marriage to same-sex couples, and the stuffy Episcopal Church just confirmed its first openly gay bishop.
Even got pop culture is going gay: "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is the surprise summer TV hit. ABC's "20/20" has declared "it's in to be out" and the cultural arbiters at VH1 last week debuted "Totally Gay!" celebrating all things homosexual.
But let's get real. Gay marriage? In this country? Now? You better think twice about that.
America isn't ready for it. The polls show a backlash from the big pink wave that splashed over the country this summer. In fact, if you don't watch it, conservatives may succeed in amending the Constitution to ban gay marriages once and for all. Remember that's what happened in Hawaii and Alaska a few years ago.
You're better off winning victories incrementally. Focus on employment discrimination and hate crimes. The polling numbers are better and the visceral hostility from the public is not nearly so great.
That's the advice gay rights activists are getting these days from many gay-friendly public officials, and from gay contributors and activists as well.
Well, it's hogwash. And any leader of any gay rights organization who is not prepared to throw the bulk of their efforts right now into the fight for marriage is squandering resources and doesn't deserve the position. That's right; if they're not ready to make their top priority the freedom to marry, then they ought to resign today.
Impractical? How do you figure?
Consider for a moment how many gay Americans you know who have actually suffered from discrimination in the workplace? How many gay couples do you know who have been turned down from buying a house or renting an apartment because of their sexual orientation? How many were ever denied a room at a hotel or a seat in a restaurant because of homophobia?
How many people do you know who've been the victim of a hate crime where the perpetrator has gone unpunished?
Those people are out there, of course, and their stories are tragic.
Now multiply that number by 10 - or even 100, depending upon how broad your social circle is, and you've probably still not counted the number of gay people you know who've been discriminated against by this country's heterosexual-only marriage laws.
Between 90 and 95 percent of Americans get married at some point during their lives. If you carve out the homosexuals who can't get married (acknowledging that some of them were in heterosexual marriages before coming out of the closet) and that means that something approaching 100 percent of the people in this country who can legally say, "I do," in fact do.
The point is that no form of discrimination is more pervasive, or strikes more at the heart of being gay, than denying us the freedom to marry.
Still seem impractical? Consider this.
We are owed no right to work or buy homes free of anti-gay prejudice, and if we are bashed by homophobes, we have no inalienable right to demand that our perpetrators be given extra jail time because their crime was motivated by anti-gay animus.
These "civil rights" laws are add-ons; protections that make sense as good social policy and will no doubt dramatically impact people's lives.
But as social policy, they are often opposed on grounds that have nothing to do with homophobia. Employment and housing protections come at the cost of lawsuits, some of which will be frivolous. Hate crime laws do, at some level, punish thoughts, and pile on to an already Draconian criminal justice system.
None of these arguments wins the day, but they're reasonable and fair-minded; the same can't be said for those who oppose the freedom to marry. This isn't about protecting us from discrimination that might happen in the private sector. This is discrimination, perpetrated by our own government.
Once the government got into the business of issuing civil marriage certificates, and doling out (at last count) some 1,049 benefits and rights as a result of that piece of paper, there is no justification for slamming the door on committed same-sex couples.
As a result, the polls and politicians won't decide marriage, at least not initially. The courts will, and soon - not only in Canada but very soon in Massachusetts and New Jersey.
Should we forget about ENDA and hate crime laws? Of course not.
Introduce them both, hold hearings even, and watch them sit there, like the hapless "Bill" on the "Schoolhouse Rock" cartoon. That's been their sad fate for a decade now, no matter which party has controlled the Congress or the White House.
In fact, the best chance these two bills have for passage is a bruising fight over marriage. "Compassionate conservatives" and "moderate Democrats, " looking for some way out of the emotional tussle on gay marriage, are far more likely to vote for these baby-step measures.
But the real battle will be over marriage, and whether to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban them. It's a political fight we should win, if our organizations can work together, and our people will mobilize.
Early signs of that happening are mixed. Various gay groups are meeting in semi-secret "summits" to plan strategy, and hopefully from that will adopt highly visible and courageous campaigns to rally the people to accept civil marriage for gays.
Cutesy focus group strategies won't work here. Neither will the type of in-fighting and turf battles that all too often plague our movement.
We need rallies; we need marches; we need TV advertisements; we need speeches; we need pressure on "gay-friendly" politicians.
This is the big one: The fight we can and should win, and the one that really matters.