First published July 23, 2002, in the Chicago Free Press.
RECENTLY I WAS TALKING with a young man about his relationship with his family and asked if his family knew he was gay.
"They know," he said, "but we don't talk about it."
I don't remember my exactly response, but it was something like "Yeah, I understand" or something else equally bland. But sometimes the things you yourself say can nag at you as much as things other people say. And on reflection, I think I was wrong in tacitly agreeing that "not talking" about it is all right.
I think we should talk about "it." Not "it" meaning our sexual activities, not meaning some "lifestyle," but "it" meaning our lives.
After all, you would talk about your life if you were heterosexual. Heterosexual family members talk about their lives all the time. They talk about who they are dating and what that person is like. They talk about who they are living with (roommate, lover, spouse), where they went on vacation and with whom, their out-of-town visitors, the parties and other social events they went to and with whom and so forth.
None of these things are taken to be talking about "it" - if "it" means their sex lives. In fact, it is because they talk about these various aspects of their lives that we can learn that heterosexuality is not just about sex, not even some uniform "lifestyle;" it is about leading a rich, full, active life which comes in a wide range of varieties.
The same is true for gays and lesbians. If you do not talk about your life, the range of activities you engage in, the important people in your life and what they mean to you, your family is left to their imaginings. And because of the so-called "vanity of minor differences," they may well exaggerate the significance of a different sexual orientation.
Differences there are, to be sure, and there is no reason to downplay them: the influence of childlessness, the psychological dynamics of same-sex bonding, greater time for social and cultural interests, and the grating fact of ongoing prejudice in some regions. But the human essentials of living one's life, meeting social, psychological and economic needs, and trying to find meaning in one's existence are about the same.
Most parents and other family members want their children (or siblings) to be happy, to have a fulfilled, rewarding life. We ourselves know how being gay is one way of being happy and leading a rewarding, emotionally fulfilled life. But they may not.
Your job is to help them realize it.
This does not mean you need to force feed information. It does mean that you can be alert for what modern educationists - with their gift for expressing the most commonplace concepts in constantly changing jargon - call "teachable moments," those times when information will seem particularly helpful or enlightening and naturally expressed.
Beyond that, the trick is to assure them in some way that you are open to questions or discussion. Many parents and relatives may never ask anything about your life because they think that would be intrusive or violate your privacy. After all, if you don't talk about it, they may feel you are letting them know that you don't want to talk about it. For all they know, you are uncomfortable about being gay.
And they may not know where to begin or what to ask. So you may have to provide occasional verbal cues or "prompts," teasers that fail to give very complete information and more or less invite questions which then lures the other person into an exchange.
"We went to see a great film last week." Obvious question hanging in the air: What film did you see? Or: "I was at the bar talking with a pilot who had scathing comments about airport security." Obvious information transmitted: there are gay pilots. Obvious questions: what did he say? What is wrong with airport security? Or: "The parade this year had more politicians than ever. I managed to shake hands with a couple." Information transmitted: growing political legitimacy. Possible questions: What parade? What politicians? These may be lame examples, but you get the idea.
If there is a way you can help your family realize that they benefit from your being gay, so much the better. If there is information useful to them that you can pass on - for instance those expert airport security concerns. Or if you met an interesting or important person through being gay: "I was chatting with Judge (fill in the blank) the other day...." Or if you saw something funny in the local gay paper that might entertain them too.
Above all, do not become discouraged. This is a long term project and success is likely to come slowly rather than in a sudden burst of understanding and acceptance. But keep at it unobtrusively but continuously and eventually you will see progress.