Originally appeared in slightly different form May 2, 2001, in the Chicago Free Press.
Our own fear is not the only thing that keeps us closeted. Sometimes the fear of others can affect us more powerfully - especially the dark fears of our families.
When we come out, our families have a rainbow of reactions. Some of us are lucky enough to have families - or at least family members - who welcome the news of our sexual orientation with open arms. Others hold such anti-gay positions themselves that they can't reconcile their love for us with their hatred of gays and lesbians, and so they kick us out of their houses and shut us out of their hearts.
But the majority of families fall in the messy middle. They love us, but don't know how to handle the idea of us being gay, lesbian or bisexual. Stereotypes may be all they know about our new community and they are afraid for us. Will we contract AIDS and die? Will we be lonely and beaten and isolated? Will we be fired from our jobs and denied housing?
But perhaps more importantly - and more invidiously - they are afraid for themselves.
Particularly if they don't already live in diverse communities. They look around and think that they are the only ones like them with a gay family member. They don't see the gay uncles and lesbian aunts tucked away in the closets of other families. They don't see the prodigal bisexual daughters and the queer transgender cousins who have moved to cities far away. They only see themselves and know they are different.
And so they worry. Our parents may be concerned that others will think they are bad parents, that they raised us wrong. Our grandparents may worry that others will think they have an immoral family or that they will lose their social standing; our siblings may fret that others may think they have gay tendencies, too. And the one gay, lesbian or bisexual relative that even we don't know about may shake with fear, thinking that his or her closet is about to be burst open before he or she is ready.
This leads to a strange disconnect with our families. They may like our significant others, but be unable to talk to us about gay issues. They may love us and continue to treat us like a valued family member, but refuse to acknowledge our sexual orientation in public, even to close friends. They may buy us the occasional rainbow-themed gift, but ask us not to tell other people they know - our fathers, our grandparents, our siblings, our grandchildren, the neighbors - because those are people "who wouldn't be able to handle it."
What they are really saying is that they themselves can't handle other people knowing - because they are afraid.
Most of us have been conditioned by society to believe that homosexuality is something less than normal. But those of us who are gay, lesbian or bisexual are driven to overcome our fear of abnormality and isolation because before we are out, we already feel abnormal and isolated in our home communities. We already know we don't belong - or that there is a part of us that doesn't belong. We come out because we want to find someone to love, or someone to have sex with, or simply someone - or a community of someones - who understand what we feel. We come out because we cannot do otherwise.
But our families don't have that same motivation. Our families, most of them, have communities that they are happy with already, communities chosen because they share similar values, interests, worries. They don't want to lose their place in a society that they feel safe in.
They can't possibly understand that by coming out as a family with a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender member that they will become part of another community, the GLBT community, which will value them for their support. They do not yet know that they are only one family amid dozens in their communities who are hiding gay family members - and that, by coming out, they create room for other families to come out as well.
That's where we have to help. We need to show our families that there are many places in the world where being GLBT is both accepted and celebrated. It is not enough for our families to just know us--because then we become the exception. They need to know our friends and our extended families. They need to come home with us and see other gays and lesbians holding hands on the street. They need to meet the straight people who love us and the children we babysit and the softball teams we play for. They need to be assured that we live happy lives much like theirs. They need to learn that being accepted as gay is not an exception at all. In many communities, it is the rule.