THE STORY GOES that shortly after the 17th century English poet John Milton published his great epic Paradise Lost, he ran into a Quaker friend who told him, "John, Thee has written well of paradise lost, but Thee must also write of paradise gained."
Suitably admonished, Milton went on four years later to compose Paradise Regained.
In a similar way, it is not enough for us to condemn religions for being anti-gay; we need to help gay people make their religions more gay-affirming.
This is work that must be done. Religions are not likely to wither away. So while some people may choose to oppose all religion, it is also important to work to improve what exists.
Can the churches change? Of course they can. Even the most hierarchical or fundamentalist religions are not immune to moral suasion, new information, reinterpretation of texts and dogmas, claims of supervening love, social pressure, the need for self-preservation and even cash flow.
Some churches have changed their doctrines; many more have changed their attitudes and let doctrines fall into desuetude. How many Catholics still condemn usury, once a mortal sin, or Presbyterians still believe in predestination, once a basic doctrine?
Changing religious attitudes is work that can best be done by people within those denominations.
The most basic contribution to change anyone can make is to be openly gay in their own religion. This may not be easy, of course, but it is both urgent and solidly traditional. For Christians, at least, personal witness to the truth is the one great commandment, and hypocrisy one of the great moral evils.
If you feel that you absolutely cannot be honest about being gay in your church, ask yourself seriously whether you are supporting the right church, whether your church contributes to your spiritual development as a whole person, whether your church welcomes or turns its face from the truth and its responsibilities.
By being open you affirm as you can in no other way your own dignity and worth and the firmness of your own moral convictions. You enable other church members to know gay people and learn that gays are decent citizens, contrary to what they may have heard. You provide inestimable encouragement to young people in your church who may fear they are gay, even if they never talk to you about it.
And you serve as a learning experience for a pastor and a living counter-example to any pastor who thinks about denouncing homosexuality as sinful.
Participate in the life of your church. Volunteer. Getting involved in church lay leadership is vital.
"The congregation needs to see gay people as contributing members to the life and health of the church," one friend wrote to me. He reported that even at his predominantly straight congregations, openly gay people are involved as board members, vestry members, greeters, Sunday school teachers, choir members and coffee hour hosts.
When the Wake Forest Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, N.C., decided recently to permit same-sex union ceremonies, the Raleigh News and Observer reported, "Members said it was the presence of gays in their midst that convinced them they were ready to recognize their lifelong commitments."
"They've been extraordinary, good, faithful members," church deacon Richard Barnett told the newspaper. "They're hard-working and deserve as complete a level of participation as any member should have, including the blessing of their relationships."
If you have a partner, try to obtain some sort of commitment ceremony as a recognition of your relationship. It will help fellow church members get used to the idea of gay partnerships. With or without a ceremony, treat yourself and your partner as married and people will begin thinking of you as married. Eventually they will start wondering why their church is refusing something so reasonable as gay marriage.
Urge upon your minister, priest, rabbi or bishop that as a moral leader of the community he or she should sermonize and speak out publicly against hate crimes, especially against anti-gay violence. You can also point out that relentlessly denouncing any person as a sinner generates hostility that some people inevitably act out.
Try to help other members with their problems. Remember that being gay can give you insight into how internal conflict, self-doubt, self-esteem and psychological needs work in a way that many people don't ever think about. Be willing to share that understanding with others so they can gain something useful from you.
With the help of your pastor, or on your own if necessary, start a study group on gay issues, or sexuality issues or the history of religious treatment of minorities. The more people see current topics in a historical perspective, the more open they will be to reconsidering their own views.
Organize a candlelight or prayer vigil for some gay-related issue. Invite the congregation to participate. Hold candles. Pray. Nothing impresses religious people and shatters our opponents' self-confidence more than the notion that people on our side are confident God is with us.
Be careful where you put your money. Try to support projects that will help gays, or gays in your church, rather than any anti-gay hierarchy. If necessary, make directed donations instead of a general contribution.
Many gay Episcopalians who supported foreign missions learned that lesson last August when recently converted Africans bishops voted to oppose gay sex, gay clergy and gay marriage at the Lambeth conference. Spend your money foolishly and you deserve the consequences!
Suggest a designated offering for some gay-related purpose. Use the occasion to provide information about the issue and how the money will help people in need. For instance, agencies trying to help homeless gay youth are in chronic need of funding. Point out the parental hatefulness, the church's responsibility.
Finally, it is important to support the gay-affirming people in your religious community. I have been surprised and impressed by the number of courageous men and women in several denominations who have stepped forward to speak on behalf of gay equality and gay marriage.
Theologians and clergy members have put their reputations and careers on the line on our behalf, witnessing their faith in a way most of us will never be called upon to do, opening themselves to church persecution like nothing we have seen since the 17th century.
We need to honor and help these people financially and organizationally, to show them how much we appreciate their support.